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Friday, April 12, 2024

Drunk food top three found outside of couch cushions

Weekends are wonderful things, and we look forward to them as little glimpses of heaven from the Gods of Academia. Finally a day arrives that allows us to sleep until 1 p.m., lounge in our pajamas while watching cartoons and basically live the American Dream we have always been promised. 


Perhaps the most practiced and enjoyed activity of these cherished 48 hours is binge drinking. After a few hours of abusing our livers, another internal organ begins to rumble and shake for some tender loving care - the stomach.  


The drunk munchies strike often, and hard. What to eat in order to fulfill this aching need? Stale chips, cold pizza or Teddy Grahams found wedged between couch cushions can suffice on some nights, but the best choice involves greasy, fast food - food so unhealthy that your liver begins to beg for alcohol the moment the first bite passes into your small intestine. 


Much research and experimentation has gone into finding the best drunk food in all of Madison. I have finally narrowed down Madison's finest to a Top Three.  

Before we begin, let's establish the criteria. There are three areas studied to debate what is the best drunk food in all of Madison.  


First, it must be cheap - extremely cheap. I'm talking so cheap that a $5 hooker would look at the receipt and say, Oh, that was cheap."" Second, it must be filled with fat. No fat, no flavor. And the more flavor the better. Third, the food must come from a pleasurable atmosphere that becomes even more enhanced when in a drunken state.  


The first food to fulfill these criteria is the ever loved Crunch Wrap Supreme from Taco Bell. As for cheap, this food completely fulfills the requirement weighing in at fewer than $3. The grease pours off this delicacy down your forearms and into your lap as you indulge on a flour tortilla, warm cheese and Mexican spices.  

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The atmosphere of the State Street Taco Bell is quite pleasant once the clock ticks past midnight and drunks stumble in from all corners of the city to consume more unnecessary calories. 


It should also be pointed out in this debate that the help at Taco Bell is above average. On Halloween weekend, I asked the cashier to give me the most food possible for $2. She looked me right in the eyes and sincerely stated, ""I can do that."" Awesome.  


A second food also scoring high in all areas is the Chicken McNugget from the ever-loved American classic restaurant, McDonalds. This entrée is more expensive than other options, but the nuggets come in such fun, bite sized shapes that you can overlook the extra dollars. 


As for the grease capacity, Chicken McNuggets are less grease filled, but they are full of fatty, questionable meat. This makes up for grease since it is questionable what they actually consist of. Greasy grimy gopher guts? Mutilated monkey butts? The world may never know.  


McDonalds has made the top three for its high ratings in atmosphere. The drunk window on Regent cannot be beat when it comes to drunken comradery. You can make new best friends, get invited to endless shady basement parties and perhaps have a random make out. It's basically a miniature, underclassmen house party on a corner.  


The last cuisine to round out the top three is a much lesser known dish. The small, white Russian dumplings from Pel Meni can cure the drunk munchies better than Chuck Norris can cure cancer.  


The small, meat stuffed carbohydrates are sprinkled with spices and served with sour cream and a slice of rye bread. This treat is so delicious that it can even satisfy a sober body for lunch when cheap Ramen will not suffice. 


A bowl of this treat only sets one back about $5 making it a little bit more expensive but still reasonable. The grease is questionable, but the unhealthiness is undeniable.  


Like McDonalds, the atmosphere of Pel Meni is what makes this hot spot memorable. The staff seems to actually enjoy the drunk crowd and has even taken requests for the record machine. Again, this is also a nice place to meet your new best friend or random make out partner.  


The jury is still out on which option is best, but I believe the best way to reach a conclusion is to continue trying and experimenting along the streets. 


If you enjoy greasy food, need a few thousand extra calories in your diet or are drunk right now, e-mail Emily at bisek@wisc.edu_for some company at the nearest McDonald's._

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