After the first week of classes, I have people picked out in my lectures and discussions that I think I would like to be friends with. They look interesting - they have flattering haircuts, wore a t-shirt I bought at the same concert and roll their eyes the same time as I do in lecture.
But making a new friend can be difficult because it's hard to decide who is really worth your time.
I've come up with a scientifically based formula to indubitably decide if someone is right with me. It's a short cut, but a most accurate and divisive one. It rests on two simple shallow tastes: books and music. Below is a guide to what I feel is socially acceptable.
Question No. 1: Hey, I'm looking for a new book. What do you like to read?
Answer: Be careful, this is a trick question. Some might think that the obvious answer would be, Books? Me? Naw brah, I don't read,"" coupled with an irritated eye roll. This, however, is the right answer if you're talking to some one with a barbed wire arm tattoo.
Otherwise, you really just blew it.
If you're trying to impress someone, devaluing your sense of intelligence is not the way to go. We're all in college - we should at least pretend we read. Safe answers include: Vonnegut, Eggers, Thoreau, Salinger, Sedaris, Klosterman, and that one guy who wrote ""On the Road."" Even people who don't read will be impressed by the idea that you do.
If you're completely at a loss for words, try using a foreign name or a name you know you've heard before, but aren't really sure where: Fugazi (an alternative rock band) and Pinochet (A Chilean dictator who was majorly bad ass) might just fool some idiot into thinking you prefer obscure reading that's really beyond them. This is not without risk though, as one might be able to see through your murky bullshit.
Question No. 2: So, like, what kind of music do you listen to?""
Answer: ""I like anything - anything but country.""
Oh, wow really? That's really interesting and individualistic!
You want to make yourself sound exclusive, but open to trying new things. Be a walking contradiction and give a flexible answer that can be easily altered if your fellow conversationalist expresses dissatisfaction with your tastes.
Start with something universally accepted and indisputable. Select one of the following: The Beatles, the Rolling Stones or Bob Dylan. Generally, the further back you go into rock music, the less a person can argue with your choice. No one messes with greatness.
Casually sprinkle in a few names of some crappy indie bands that played at various music festivals recently to show you keep up with the scene. And if you don't know what the scene is, don't worry, most people don't. Besides, artsy band names are easy to make up - just take seemingly meaningless words and mesh them together: The Orange Kicks. Also be sure to add that their first CD was soooooo much better than their newest release.
Liking mainstream music isn't necessarily a downfall. I appreciate a person who knows that songs played on the radio aren't always crap. Stick with people who are actually somewhat respectable though, like Timberlake or Kanye. Or go with musicians a lot of girls want to have sex with, like John Mayer.
Instant conversation killers: Panic! At the Disco, Limp Bizkit, Nickleback.
I find my questions are generally effective in friend selection, and have no qualms with basing years of companionship on two arbitrary questions, because to a culturally refined person such as myself, these trivialities mean everything. To the more socially inept part of the population who I've seen eating alone in various consumption establishments, I sincerely believe you can trick someone into liking you.
If you need help making friends and would like further cultural training for a high price, e-mail aaspencer@wisc.edu.
