This week, we are proud to present a question and answer session with Doctor Professor Science Dude Man. DPSDM has several degrees in fields you've never heard of and is pleased to answer whatever you rhrow at him, from deep philosophical queries to more mundane concerns.
Q: Is my cell phone going to give me cancer?
A: There are lots of rumors circulating through the media about the possible dangerous effects of cell phones, but they appear to be unfounded. The antenna will not give you cancer. The screen will not give you cancer. The battery will not give you cancer. They are all completely safe.
Q: What about the keypad?
A: Doctors have reported the worst that can happen is minor swelling."" And genital polyps.
Q: Even though I'm an atheist, I miss the sort of camaraderie and sense of a higher purpose that my religious friends have. Is there any substitute for these experiences?
A: As always, our son, science will provide. A so-called ""neurotheologist"" named Michael Persinger has developed a ""God Helmet."" We are not making this up. Apparently, by stimulating the temporal lobes with electromagnets, one can induce religious experiences on demand - albeit at the cost of high power usage and possible headaches. Guinea pigs - sorry - test subjects have experienced euphoria, revelations and a feeling of a presence in the room with them. Now go, our son. Go forth and spread the good news of great joy and high utility bills.
Q: The other day, I felt a warm spot on my forehead and suddenly passed out. I awoke with a gigantic headache. What gives?
A: You may have been hit by the mysterious ""Oh-My-God"" particle, recently identified by an international team of scientists. According to Nobel winner James Cronin, a University of Chicago professor, these high-energy cosmic rays can hit with the force of a baseball. Cronin's team hopes to capture the ""Oh-My-God"" particles and use them to power Persinger's God Helmet. The resulting device could have the power to summon a heavenly Christopher Lloyd to assist a low-quality baseball team to win the pennant, thereby saving marriages around the country.
Q: Why do men get so tired after sex?
A: While the technical details are beyond the scope of this family friendly newspaper, suffice it to say that once a male emits his ""Oh-My-God"" particles, his body chemistry changes and he is forced to enter a recovery phase that will last at least as long as it takes for his mate to become annoyed with him.
Q: Is there any way to avoid this recovery phase?
A: No. Don't even try. Just let him fall asleep - please? It'd be really nice and he'd really appreciate it. And by ""he"" we mean ""us.""
Q: So what's actually in Area 51?
A: Aliens.
Q: Really?
A: Yeah.
Q: Huh.
A: You're telling me.
Q: According to the National Science Foundation, the UW spends more than $900 million on research each year. What does all that money go to?
A: Much of the money goes toward funding the experimental nuclear reactors on campus. Another portion of the funds go to stem cell research- - a controversial area that has spawned much political debate. And the remainder goes to the newly formed Britney Spears Research Institute.
Q: Yeah, what's up with her?
A: We have no idea. We think it might be syphilis.
Have a question for Doctor Professor Science Dude Man? E-mail him at keatonmiller@wisc.edu, and he'll construct a device to fashion a method for discovering a technique to answering it.
