Too much of a good thing - as a kid growing up, I generally did not believe in this concept. I do not ever recall having too many toys, too many snow days, too many trips to Chuck E. Cheese or too many County Stadium hot dogs slathered with the special Secret Stadium Sauce.
Yet, as I have matured and gained wisdom beyond my years, I have found that limits on good things"" do in fact exist.
One too many drinks, for example, can mean the difference between a casual night of fun with friends or a Sunday morning walk of shame.
Although I have seen the harmful effects of one too many burritos, one too many sarcastic remarks and one too many shots of Admiral Nelson, I never thought the day would come when I would see too much football.
That was, of course, until the inception of the NFL Network.
I'm not an economics major - balancing the check book is usually enough to bring tears of frustration to my eyes - but in a democratic society based on supply and demand, the NFL Network simply does not belong.
With former NFL players, former NFL coaches and so-called NFL insiders and experts already working at ESPN, FOX, CBS and NBC, I believe we have saturated the market on speculatory specialists.
Folks can tune in every week to watch Ron Jaworkski break down a slant pattern, Terry Bradshaw tease Howie Long and John Madden discuss ""quarterbacks throwing the ball to receivers in the end zone because that's how points are scored, unless they decide to run the ball or kick the field goal.""
Apparently all of the predictions, analyses, recaps and reports did not satisfy the NFL, because in 2003 it launched its own network, providing ""a melting pot of gridiron greats from the NFL's past, present and future that will sate the voracious appetites of millions of football fans across the country."" Those are their words, not mine.
It's a good thing I don't own the NFL Network or I would have woken up at 6 a.m. Monday morning and sated my voracious appetite for football by watching repeats of ""NFL Gameday"" - ""the definitive recap of the day that was in the NFL"" - for the next 10 and a half hours.
I hear that Steve Mariucci's insider analysis gets way more insider the fifth time they play the tape.
If watching a less entertaining version of ESPN's ""The Blitz"" doesn't sound like fun, have no fear. The NFL Network offers a whole range of entertainment options.
Tuesday nights at 6:30 you can watch ""Put Up Your Dukes"" with host Jamie Dukes. Now I don't know about you, but when I think about former NFL players, I can't list off three names without Jamie Dukes popping into my head.
I'm sure Mr. Dukes does a great job, and I read in his bio he had quite the college career at Florida State. But my guess is I'd rather watch former Packer center Franky ""Bag o' Donuts"" Winters eat a bag o' donuts than watch ""Put Up Your Dukes.""
In the NFL Network's defense, it does have other programs like ""Point After,"" which ""gets the latest reaction from NFL coaches during their press conferences to the media.""
And to think all this time the coaches were doing special NFL Network press conferences where they revealed super-secret information I could not find out about by watching ESPN or reading the newspaper.
Reporter: ""What did you think of your quarterback's play today?""
Coach: ""He played hard, made some nice plays for us, but obviously he knows there's some things he's got to work on.""
Reporter: ""Coach, please, this is an NFL Network press conference, not the regular kind you'd see on FOX, CBS or your local 10 o'clock news.""
Coach: ""Oh right. My mistake. He played really hard, made some really nice plays for us, but obviously he really knows there's some things he's really got to work on.""
If you haven't guessed it by now, I'm just a little bitter the game of the season in the NFC between the Packers and the Cowboys is being televised on the aforementioned NFL Network.
Let me be clear when I say I'm not against making people pay for watching sporting events they could normally watch for free. After all, this is America. Good things should only go to those important people who have lots of money to buy things.
Some of you understand what I'm saying here. Others probably think I should just watch the game at a bar and stop my whining.
But watching the Packers at a bar, on a Thursday night, with an ice cold non-alcoholic beverage in my hands and friends all around? That would simply be too much of a good thing.
If Ryan's column failed yet again to sate your appetite for wit and humor, e-mail him at reszel@dailycardinal.com.
