In case you've never done it, I highly recommend taking a moment to Google yourself. Aside from the narcissistic fun to be had, this is also a great way to see how your name is represented by people all over the planet.
Such was the case when I learned that not only am I one of only two Matt Hunzikers represented on the World Wide Web, but also I am the more popular one.
In fact, my bid for an Internet monopoly on the Matt Hunziker brand was thwarted only by the efforts of a member of a San Francisco-based artists collective and their funeral urn-turned-artistic expression debut: Funeria: From Ashes to Art"" (Dec. 2, 2001 through Feb. 8, 2002 at the Fort Mason Center Firehouse. Don't wait up.)
The exhibit was pretty much what it sounds like: A gallery full of funeral urns encompassing artistic styles from cultures and epochs stretching all the way back to the dawn of civilization.
Apparently, funeral urn enthusiasts (who, from the pictures on the exhibit's site, are generally remaining-years-of-life challenged) came from all corners of the Bay Area to select their desired post-mortem residences. It was something like the ""Best of Homes"" tour, except no one sits around all day imagining what it would be like to be inside of a really nice funeral urn. Probably.
Ranging from the historic to the ambiguously pornographic, urn selection included everything from models based on the ceramic styles of ancient dynastic China to charming little chrome pieces resembling RNA viruses to historically accurate depictions of WWII era U-boat torpedo tubes. I'm omitting the one stand-out piece from this list, however, as, due to the resolution of the photograph, I'm not quite sure whether to call it a giant cigar or an engorged phallus.
I suppose you could call it whichever fit best with the decor in your home or, more than likely, home of next of kin.
After browsing the award winners and most notable pieces from the show, I set out to locate the work of the man who would've tied me in alphabetical order had we been in the same graduating class.
If I were able to locate this other Matt, I thought perhaps there'd still be time to get my hands on one of those urns. My plan was to convince future visitors to my home that the urn was of my own construction.
After showing them the name, clearly engraved on the bottom, I would solidify my lie in their minds by spouting off something like ""Well, if you want something done right..."" or some such maxim. It was much to my dismay when I discovered my San Francisco counterpart was not a maker of decorative funeral urns at all, but merely one in a list of supporters of the exhibit.
Now, unfortunately, it appears as though I may actually have to make my own urn, and going on my past performance in ceramics, my remains are going to end up all over the mantle. On the other hand, this means the gap in notoriety putting me ahead of ""Funeria Matt"" is likely only to widen as I continue to be published. And that's even cooler than being cremated and stuffed in the biggest cigar.
Or phallus.
To tell Matt exactly what it is like inside a designer funeral urn, e-mail him at hunziker@wisc.edu.
