The food at Memorial Union blows ass. I don't actually mean to single out their food as unpalatable in particular, because the stuff at Union South's Red Oak Grill, Ingraham Deli and E2 is just as lame.
Somewhere along the lines, the university got the idea that the substandard cafeteria slop they feature is actually real food that demands real restaurant prices, which is why you can expect to pay four dollars for a hamburger that tastes no better than the kind you used to choke down during high school.
Not that I expect food made by the university bureaucracy to be full of flavors that hop into my mouth and dance the Charleston. In fact, though I love food, I'm not against shitty food for cheap prices—thanks Taco Bell—but it really cheeses me off, grinds my gears and bothers me somewhat when I have to pay five dollars at Union South for a piece of turkey in between what tastes like Wonder Bread.
""Wonder Bread? It's a wonder anyone would eat that baloney!"" Grandpa Lynch interjected, his graying eyebrows furrowing in bewilderment.
And I do mean to say, ""have to pay,"" for this food. Because when you've got classes and work from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m., you need to eat something at some point, and if you're stuck around Bascom Hill, Engineering Hall or the Medical school, all that's at your disposal is the university deli's.
University deli's could be great—if I'm starving and in a rush, I'll gladly pay one or two dollars for a sandwich that a five-year-old could make or a burger that tastes like someone ran it over with a car. Fair is fair, and most college campuses provide their student body with food that looks, tastes and is as cheap as a two dollar whore.
For some reason, though, UW-Madison likes to pretend that it can dress up a prostitute, put her in a pseudo-European setting called ""The Rathskellar"" and pass her off as royalty. Well, UW, you are no Henry Higgins and we're not fooled. It's apparent we've got gutter trash before us and please stop shoving it in our faces.
Incidentally, ""Rathskellar"" is a German word meaning ""For the last time, mayonnaise does not taste good on French fries so please stop making it a condiment choice.""
There are a few exceptions to these traditions of mediocrity. There is a sandwich for $2.44 at Union South that includes three slices of pepperjack cheese, some olives and guacamole on a hard roll and it is great and totally worth the money. Also, mashed potatoes with gravy are like a buck fifty at the Lakefront—they don't taste like much, but it's a good price.
Oh, and the scones are to die for, especially the raspberry. In fact, most of the bakery items at Union South are pretty solid.
But the lunch and dinner food performs low on my quality scale, getting rankings anywhere from ""blah"" to ""I wish I were dead now.""
Thankfully, there's a clear solution—open these spaces up for local businesses. Or even corporate businesses, as long as the food quality increases. With our food being produced by a university department, there's no incentive to offer quality food or low prices—this is apparent the second you smell anything in Memorial Union. But if multiple businesses are allowed to open up in Memorial Union and Union South, they'll actually bother to make tasty food because if they don't, other restaurants will and they'll get all the business.
The important thing would be that either quality would improve or prices would go down. As it is now, I refuse to cough over a five spot for a meal that I would expect to be eating if I ever ended up in prison.
I know opening up our hallowed university buildings to business is an idea that would rub a lot of people the wrong way simply because it goes against basic liberal tendencies, but free markets do have plenty of benefits. For instance, in a free market, food that reminds the palate of the taste of ass is usually pretty cheap. Thank you.
