I've made a discovery. If there's one way to find out what another student's major is, it's to casually mention, ""Gee, I'm not feeling too good, I think I'm coming down with something [cough, cough]."" Wait for their response, and it will say it all.
Education: My oh my, I'm so sorry! What can I do to help? You look chilly—take my jacket...and my socks. No, it's cool, I like subzero weather against my bare ankles. The only thing better than giving you this pair of socks would be giving a child the opportunity to learn. [Concludes with angelic smile and twinkle in eye.]
Business: Hmm... not feelin' too hot? What medicines are you taking? Robitussin's shares have been down lately, so I'd invest in something else for now. Say, I know... I have this friend, right? He can hook you up with the strongest flu stuff ever and possibly get you a deal on car insurance. Green house on the corner, make sure you ask for Jimmy. And remind him he owes me for the loan I gave him for that sound system!
Political Science: I think—no—I know the road to recovery is near and in sight. We just need to focus on our goal of preventative precautions for sicknesses versus the inefficient means of handling it after it's too late. Somehow, we shall ensure a healthy future for you, me and the children of today. We owe it to the kids. [Thumbs up.]
English: You say you're sick. Sick in the mind, body and soul... until the waves of clarity and strength roll over your flesh and you can feel no more. Then a young child named Bartholomew will emerge from a nearby bush and sing you Happy Birthday. [Gently pulls up black turtleneck to wipe tear from corner of eye.]
The Sciences: Well... your T-cells have recognized a foreign antigen and presented it to your body's B-cells. Following exogenous antigen stimulation, it'll take 10 days to mount an appropriate antibody response. The immunoglobulins can protect the body in a number of ways—they may neutralize the chemical action of the foreign particles, agglutinate larger ones so they can be phagocytosed or simply lyse them. I suspect your illness to be of acute inflammation, so take two aspirin to attenuate your symptoms of fever, redness and pain. But just to be on the safe side, why don't I draw some blood? [Immediately pulls out sterilized needle from back pocket.]
Journalism: Oh no, poor little you has a coldy woldy? I bet you'd like to take a nap right now, but guess what? The news doesn't sleep so neither should you. There's even a breaking story right by the fire station on Williamson Street, err... actually, maybe you should just stick around and rest for a bit—here take this. [Hands over concoction of Nyquil and laxative.] Then drink the rich, thick whole milk I left for you in the fridge. Nothing beats congestion better than dairy!
Undecided Super Senior: Dude, that sucks. Wanna go play ""Mario Kart""?
So I may have overgeneralized just a tad, but there's truth in there somewhere. Forgive me if I've misrepresented your personality based on area of study, but remember there's nothing wrong with any of these theoretical responses to the posed statement. I personally see myself doing all of the above, except the Sciences one because I have no clue what friggin' immunoglobulins are.
If you're upset Julia left out your major and want her to offend you about it, e-mail her at shiplett@wisc.edu.
