I love my life. It's Sunday morning and I'm gorging on a tall stack of banana pancakes, deep under the spell of Rachael Ray's 30-minute magic. Nothing on the docket today but a holiday free sample extravaganza at Whole Foods. Things don't get much better.
The last year of my column has probably told you that I'm a simple guy—the littlest things make me more excited than, to modify the old adage, me in a candy store. So as I end my term as columnist, I want to leave you with some advice.
First off, eat breakfast. Pancakes are amazing, eggs ethereal, and Honey Bunches of Oats has three different kinds of flakes to rock your world. No time? Make time. Trying to lose weight? Your plan will backfire when you decimate the pantry at dinner time. There is no better way to start off a great day.
Take the free food. I don't care what it is. If it's free, it's yummy. If you really don't want it, then you better give it to me.
Want to spruce up your abode? Buy a George Foreman grill. The smell of grease and seared meat tops anything from Bath & Body Works. And don't wash it—the crusty residue imparts incredible flavor.
Get off campus and explore the Madison area. There are oodles of specialty food shops, great restaurants, cute cafes and, of course, my beloved grocery stores. Take a day trip to New Glarus and tour the brewery, have some authentic Swiss baked goods and then go back to the beer.
Explore, yes. But stay the hell away from Whole Foods Market. That is my territory.
Don't just gulp alcoholic beverages like some freshman idiot. Try new beers, recognize a well-made cocktail and do all that stupid wine-snob stuff. You'll start out your night feeling sophisticated, which will balance out the impending humiliation at Karaoke Kid.
Let your drunken munchies take you over. Why hold back now? You can't honestly reason that a slice of Ian's is somehow worse for you than those six Jaegerbombs. Food never tastes quite as good as at bar time—I don't care if some scientist tells me most of my taste buds aren't functioning at that point.
The Freshman 15 is not a one-time phenomenon. Use it anytime you start something new in life. What's that? I look heavier? Well, I just started a new job.
When your senses are uninhibited by chemicals, try gourmet foods. Caviar, foie gras, all that crazy French shit. Yeah, I've had them—some of the most disgusting experiences of my life, actually. But I enjoyed watching my roommates' grimacing faces as they felt those slimy fish eggs slide down their throats. And at least now I know what an armpit tastes like.
Share your food. I hate doing it, but two positives come of this: Good things are even better shared with friends (I should write for Hallmark), and this insures reciprocal sharing—you won't have to steal your friend's box of cookies.
Don't ever piss off a hungry guy. Plummeting blood sugar does scary things to a person, like stealing an elliptical machine from a Coastie at the SERF. And back off that guy eating in lecture. The bag of chips may be loud, but he's freaking hungry, dammit.
Don't drink soda with a good meal. Why would you take up precious space in your stomach with carbonation when it could be filled with a sixth helping of mashed potatoes? Unless, of course, that carbonation comes from beer.
Lastly: Yes, I'm staring at that food on your counter. Yes, I would like some. For the love of God, just offer me some already, I'm dying here.
I've had a great time being ""the food guy,"" and I appreciate all the responses I've gotten. If you've hated my columns, well, your mother probably doesn't love you. For those of you who have found my life, adventures and general food-centered mental illness at all entertaining, feel free to take me out for dinner any time. Here's to gaining 10 pounds over a great holiday break.
