Last month, I got a ticket for running a stop sign on my bicycle. In order to avoid paying a $155 ticket, I attended a three-hour bike safety seminar. This is a chronicle of that experience.
2:59:30 ""Welcome to the City of Madison's bike safety seminar. My name is Arthur..."" and so begins our three-hour journey down the bike lane of safety. Arthur's PowerPoint informs us he is the pedestrian and bicyclist coordinator for the city. He also has a great beard, which is not mentioned in his PowerPoint.
2:57:12 Momentarily forgetting where he is, Arthur says, ""Let's try to make this fun."" Rock concerts are fun. Pool parties are fun. Bike safety classes are not fun.
2:54:48 Arthur really wants to talk about the community. Community is very important, and we're going to talk about it as soon as Arthur finds the power cord to his computer.
2:52:05 The power chord situation is bleak. Without it, we've got less than an hour of battery power, and then the PowerPoint is gone. With no visual element, I fear the class will descend into chaos. The old chalkboard sitting ominously in the corner does little to calm my fear.
2:49:54 Getting a feel for his audience, Arthur asks us why we're here. Surprisingly, nobody used a bike to rob a gas station. Almost everyone ran a stop sign.
2:27:32 In front of me, a guy asks a protracted question that incorporates the phrase ""social norms."" Save it for your sociology discussion Mr. Smarty Pants. This is bike safety class. Let's call a spade a spade. We're here because we broke basic traffic laws, not because we're political dissidents.
2:25:43 Seemingly out of nowhere, Arthur unleashes a laser pointer. I've got to admit, it's a nice touch, but I wonder if perhaps he's gone to it a little early.
2:16:12 I attempt participating in the class. Arthur asks what most signs say in European neighborhoods. Having recently returned from abroad, I raise my hand and respond, ""Please clean your dog waste!"" This is wrong, I'm told. That brings an end to my participation in the class.
2:07:38 Apparently there's a quiz at the end of the class. To this point, I haven't taken any notes and decide it's too late now. I'll have to cheat.
1:58:29 Disaster strikes. We've got two hours to go, and the computer is dead. Arthur says he's called someone about getting an extra cord, but they haven't called back. In the meantime, he goes to the chalkboard. Arthur has terrible handwriting.
1:49:51 Arthur's stick figures convey an unattainable body image. My self-esteem is shattered; I'll never be that skinny.
1:49:01 In search of food, I find only bubblegum in my bag. It'll have to do. I swallow three pieces. According to my old babysitter, they'll be there till I'm 43 years old.
1:36:21 I've completely given up on this class. The giant coffee stain on my shirt fascinates me. I notice people with facial hair surround me. Damn the Thursday crossword for being so hard. I slump down in my chair and close my eyes.
0:23:12 Arthur is actually giving us the answers to the quiz, so I sit up straight and listen. A pattern quickly develops. The answers are all false. I return to slump mode.
0:04:17 I notice the date on my ticket is wrong. I hand it in anyway. My record, Arthur says, is now clean.
0:00:03 Arthur dismisses the last of the class and we walk to outside to our bikes. On the way home, my classmates and I fail to stop at no fewer than three stop signs. Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Madison Municipal building, Arthur has a good cry.
