With the Homecoming football game quickly approaching, I thought I'd bestow some of my senior wisdom upon the Badger faithful.
First of all, this is an intelligent university. But the starting running back's name is not P.J. Peak, P.J. Summit nor P.J. Mountain all covered with cheese. When trying to make a hill with one's arms, do not come to a point. I know all fans miss the whole Cal-HOOOOUUUNN with two fingers in the air or the J-L for Jimmy Leonhard, but gestures are not necessary for every star the team has. Simply clap, hoot and holler as the situation presents itself.
Secondly, the whole wave thing is fantastic, but Minnesota is coming to town. The wave needs to be stepped up. Therefore, I propose a ""ripple"" wave, in which waves are started approximately every five seconds so that there are many waves going around the stadium simultaneously. It may be too strenuous for the older folks in attendance, but they need their exercise too. If the ripple wave works, alternate fast and slow waves so that waves can pass each other. SportsCenter, here we come!
And don't start the wave during a pivotal part of the game or on an offensive drive. Everyone outside the student section actually cares about the game (curse them!) and will be paying too much attention to the game to follow through on the wave. Total concentration is necessary, and to help the masses concentrate...
Three words: More Phil Collins. Nothing pumps fans up more than ""In the Air Tonight."" Hold on, Badger fans, hold on. Why not get other pump-up singers in on the action? Introduce some Gordon Lightfoot, Dan Fogelberg or even Glenn Yarbrough. Mr. Yarbrough taught us that ""the greatest adventure is what lies ahead,"" and Wisconsin spectators can ride that adventure to victory.
Now to move on to the band. Some people may like ""If You Want to Be a Badger,"" but for the love of all that is sacred, there is no need to play it seven times per game. There is a cornucopia of songs to work with; play ""Time Warp,"" or the ""Super Mario"" or ""Family Guy"" themes. Let's keep the ""by the light of the moon"" ratio down to one per game.
The announcer is supposed to be impartial, but would it hurt that much to slip in a few witticisms now and then? During introductions, a couple nicknames would be helpful, such as ""Cryin'"" Bryan Cupito or Logan ""Can't Handle The"" Payne. Or after a Gopher touchdown, a simple ""This just in, Minnesota still sucks."" Just a suggestion.
Lastly, Bucky needs to do more than roam the sidelines. Please, please, please bring back the mascot fights. Who in the audience would not want a ladder match between Goldy and Bucky? Bucky doing an elbow drop on Goldy through a table would make the crowd go bananas. No more chess games, we just want mindless violence.
Although Saturday's crushing of the Gophers will certainly be entertaining, with the proposed additions, a great game will be made fantastic.
If you agree with Zach that Glenn Yarbrough should see more exposure than just the Lord of the Rings cartoons, e-mail him at zlkukkonen@dailycardinal.com.
