Growing up, I was not allowed to watch TV during the week.
No, I did not have crazy parents who made me travel around in a plastic bubble or read the encyclopedia. They were merely trying to prevent my brain from turning into a stew of MTV videos and Sally Struthers reruns.
Well, sorry Mom and Dad: Your plan backfired.
The hundreds of channels on digital cable were too much for my poor, deprived soul to resist, and days into my first semester of college, I was a full-fledged TV junkie.
Fortunately—at this point—it has not interfered or hindered my experience in any way. That is to say, class and ""real work"" have not thwarted my TV watching habits.
There have definitely been close calls. My freshman year, I wanted to take a film class that had a night lab. However, as the night lab was scheduled during the same block as ""South Park"" and ""Chappelle's Show,"" I was obviously mistaken.
This was clearly a terrible class and not one worth taking—at least not until the following semester when the lab got changed to an afternoon time slot.
True TV junkies know that it's not even about a particular show. It's the experience of sitting down with the remote as the glow of the television set slowly overtakes you and full zombie-mode ensues. In a word: euphoria.
Besides having your permanent assprint on the chair or couch of your choice, there are benefits to being a TV junkie.
One, you always have an excuse not to do homework. History paper due the next day? Too bad— there's an ""I Love the '80s"" marathon on VH1. When will TAs learn how to schedule?
Two, if all your friends go home for the weekend, you can hang out with the two-dimensional people. Granted, they can't come to bars with you, but they'll keep you company from the confines of your living room.
Three, everyone you know will appreciate the fact that you are a walking TV guide. No need to consult Channel 2 or the Internet. Wednesday at 4 p.m.? Try ""Around the Horn,"" ""The Nanny"" or ""While You Were Out.""
Four, you can see and learn things that you would not ordinarily see unless you were part of a circus. In the span of one day you can watch people eat live centipedes, learn the historical significance of Scottish castles and view a host of Americans who are men living as women married to sheep.
For as much TV as I watch, I am consciously aware that there is a danger zone I am rapidly approaching. If you start skipping class to catch a particular season finale, stop. If you miss meals because you are too caught up in the ESPN documentary of male Olympic skiers, put down the remote. If you cancel plans with friends to find out who will win ""American Idol,"" sell your TV.
It's fun to be a TV junkie, but like any good drug, if you don't curb your habit, it will become you.
Which reminds me, ""Curb Your Enthusiasm"" is only available on OnDemand for another four hours. So all you junkies will have to wait while I go get my fix.
