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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 25, 2024

Is there a letter in your bag for me?

My name might as well not even be on the mailbox of my apartment. My roommates get all kinds of mail: letters, catalogs, packages and anything else you can slap a stamp on and ship out. But I check the mail every day and there's never anything for me. The only reason I have a credit card is so they send me a bill every month in an envelope with my name on it. 


Maybe it seems like I'm just whining here, so I want to tell you exactly what makes my mail situation so absurd: People who don't even live in my apartment get more mail delivered there than I do. We are constantly receiving mail addressed to people we've never heard of before, presumably former tenants who never left a forwarding address. I'm sure this is not uncommon for college students, as their residences often change from year to year. What bugs me, however, is just how bloody fascinating some of their mail seems compared with mine. 


For example, we recently got a piece of mail like this with big red letters printed on it that read, The threat we feared most is about to come true.\ 


Be honest: Have you EVER gotten a piece of mail that sounded quite so dramatic? I mean, that's like a line spoken at a council of wizards at the beginning of a fantasy movie, or a telegram out of an old spy novel. That's something Superman might say if he had to call an emergency meeting of the Justice League. 


Oh, how I yearn for such a dire and exciting-sounding piece of correspondence of my very own! Then again, the letter came from Planned Parenthood, so it's probably best that whatever was inside that envelope didn't apply to me. 


I do get interesting mail, however, from an unexpected source: e-mail spam. Yes, I know none of it's really for me personally, but the subject lines are so interesting: ""You have 7 new mails from ladies,"" ""double you're money overnight"" and ""angelina jolie askes for Rolex watch."" Their grammar and spelling may be atrocious, but what wonders they promise! 


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Some of the senders' names are enchanting as well. It's great to be offered financial advice from ""clay aiken"" and a hot deal on Microsoft software from ""Chaka Khan,"" but the fun doesn't stop at celebrities. There is apparently some sort of spam-producing program that takes two random words and puts a middle initial between them to generate a new ""name."" 


However, something seems to have gone horribly wrong with its choice of random words, resulting in my getting mail from such personages as ""Glastonbury H. Epidermis,"" ""Britons J. Departmental,"" ""Egregious B. Accountancy"" and ""Cuisines U. Restructuring."" Every day is like being in correspondence with Kurt Vonnegut characters. I also enjoyed the e-mail I got from ""Byron Krwtzxm,"" who I can only assume is a fifth-dimensional imp. 


Sadly, I can never know what's inside these exciting pieces of mail. Opening a former tenant's mail would be a federal offense, and I don't open e-mails from ""She-Male Bombshells"" or ""RearEnd Lickers"" for fear of contracting some sort of computer virus (or, perhaps more appropriately, computer VD). 


But it keeps me going just to imagine what might be inside. Spam may be an insidious inbox-clogging nuisance, but it can also be a source of great hilarity and enjoyment. 


Particularly the ones from those She-Male Bombshells. Um, not that I ever look at them or anything. 


If you would like to send Justin some real mail that isn't an advertisement for Viagra or Cialis, contact him at 





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