In an unusual move to force students to make good on their loans in time, the University has advocated a more direct approach, demonstrating to students the value of money through involuntary amputation of their thumbs.
The Financial Aid Office's newly appointed Grand Inquisitor, Paul Bones\ Guzman, said he hopes to improve collection rates on student loans through an open dialogue with debtor students, followed by the removal of the hand's most important digit with a cigar cutter.
""We are in the preliminary stages of setting this new policy. We have yet to hammer out the details,"" Guzman said. ""Specifically, we have not yet decided what method we will use to restrain the students, or how rusty the cigar cutter should be to maximize threat of tetanus infection without compromising the steel's integrity.""
Officials are also debating whether or not to accompany the severing with blowtorching the bare soles of debtors' feet.
The University's change in policy has drawn the ire of some faculty who have demanded more humanitarian treatment of students, especially those in financial trouble.
""I'm not sure some of the more extreme punishments endorsed by the University will be necessary,"" UW-Madison history professor Ellroy Hearsh said. ""A week in the stocks on top of Bascom [Hill] should be perfectly sufficient.""
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