I am widely recognized the world over as a champion of the people and a firm believer in economic fair play. My column is reprinted in many workers' union newsletters, and most parks in Cuba have at least one giant bronze statue of me in commemoration of my good deeds. I am therefore a staunch supporter of this country's antitrust laws. And yet, there is one industry I feel would be better off as an unchallenged monopoly, and that is the cola business.
My reasoning for this is most restaurants only carry one brand anyway. This leads to an awkward dance when I order something to drink; if I ask for a Pepsi and they only have Coca-Cola, I feel as though I have dishonored them. Agonizingly apologetic, they will then ask me something to the effect of, 'Is Coke OK'? as though if it were not, I would kick over the table and set the menus on fire, sobbing hysterically all the while.
To avoid such scenes, we must look, as always, to the advice of the 'Highlander' films, 'There can be only one.' But which cola should be kept, and which is to be exiled to the deepest depths of the Phantom Zone?
To answer this, I sat down with a can of Coca-Cola and a can of Pepsi (and a cup of water to cleanse the palette) and conducted a series of taste tests. I found, on its own, I preferred the extra sweetness and bite of Coke to the milder Pepsi. However, the less-aggressive taste of Pepsi compliments food better, whereas Coke has the potential to overpower your Memorial Union fries. With the taste test ending in a draw, I had to turn to more arcane criteria.
The design of the can, for example. Pepsi's design is more modern, I'll grant you, and the blue color seems inherently more refreshing to me. Coca-Cola, however, has that great timeless look, with the old-style lettering and bold red background. Pepsi will have to continuously update their cans to keep up with the times, feverishly spending millions of dollars to determine if teenagers would drink more Pepsi if the logo were done in a different font. Coke, however, will probably look the same long after I'm dead, and I should let you know that I plan on living for at least three centuries.
Then I looked to the advertising campaign. Pepsi has better celebrity endorsements. Many of you, like me, will remember the late, great Ray Charles singing a little jingle entitled 'You Got The Right One, Baby' in Pepsi commercials from your childhood. Perhaps, also like me, you were unfamiliar with Charles before these commercials and asked your parents why he wears his sunglasses indoors. Oh, the faux pas!
But anyway, Coca-Cola tends to skew a bit more nostalgic in their ads, which is not for everyone. I am swayed, however, by their old slogan'again from my childhood''Can't beat the real thing!' I therefore suffer an existential crisis every time I drink Pepsi, knowing that it is not 'real' like Coke is, and worry that either myself, the soda or both are just products of the Matrix.
Therefore, to keep my slender grip on reality as firm as possible, I declare Coca-Cola the winner. Since my word in this column is law, Pepsi is to close up shop in the next 30 business days. They should also send me a crate of Crystal Pepsi if they still have any, because I thought that stuff was great.
