I've always been a huge fan of the farewell address.
All the great leaders'George Washington, Napoleon, Hulk Hogan'have delivered gut-wrenching farewells that will go down in the annals of history.
At first, I didn't think I had the proper merits to write a farewell address. I've never been elected to office or held the WWF Inter-Continental Belt. Really, aside from an intramural soccer team, I've never led anything, and we didn't even make the playoffs this year.
I'm also not actually leaving. Sure, I'll be in London for a couple of months, but then I'm coming back. But both Napoleon and Hogan came back after their first departures, so why couldn't I?
Of course, my farewell address isn't an address, per se. I'm not delivering this to a gathering of adoring fans. It's highly unlikely that my parting remarks will be reprinted and then forced upon uninterested history students hundreds of years from now.
But the farewell column does have its benefits. It allows me to say my goodbyes without actually having to interact with people in person. This is especially helpful for those tough goodbyes with friends you owe money to.
Now, without further ado, I'm proud to present the official Joe Hasler Farewell Address, built by the Home Depot and driven by Pontiac. (Hey, it's the 21st century, baby. It's all about product placement.)
Four months is a long time. A lot can happen in four months. Brangelina can adopt an entire impoverished nation. Britney Spears can divorce, remarry and birth another child.
It won't be easy being gone that long. To be sure, four months without The O.C. will be tough. And four months without Ang, my favorite O.C. viewing partner and girlfriend will be even tougher. I can only hope she doesn't find somebody better to watch it with while I'm gone.
While I'm away, I leave the keys to my faithful Saturn station wagon in the hands of my brother Sam. I certainly won't miss spending 45 minutes looking for parking, but I think Sam is up to the task. I'll just leave him with this word of advice: Sam, if the spot looks too small, don't be discouraged. Bumping the other car is OK, just as long as you don't leave any paint marks.
I can't imagine Madison will miss me too much, though. Sure, my friend Deek will have to find new ways of getting his name in the newspaper, which could mean terrible things for the entire city, and Ang won't have anyone to carry her groceries and textbooks. (In case you didn't know, I've got huge muscles.) But aside from them, I'm guessing most people won't even know I'm gone.
When you get back from break, there will be a new face in this column. I'd just like to thank all my readers. I've enjoyed writing it, and I hope you've enjoyed reading it. Cheers.
