The son of God, Jesus, descended from Heaven yesterday with a holiday message for Wisconsin state legislators. He urged the majority party Republicans to reevaluate their priorities to reflect true Christian values rather than partisan political opportunism.
While Jesus usually tries to remain out of politics, this holiday season has been particularly vile as popular conservative commentators have declared that there is a 'war on Christmas.' Last week, 46 state legislators, mostly Republicans, joined the battle signing a letter to Gov. Jim Doyle, a Democrat, urging him to change the name of the 'Capital Holiday Tree' to the 'Wisconsin State Christmas Tree.' This was the last straw for Jesus.
'Listen,' Jesus told the assemblymen and senators in a closed session of the legislature. 'I was not born a virgin birth and then sacrificed on the cross for you to get all twisted up over whether a cashier at Target said 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Holidays.' It's not really that big of a deal.'
'We're taking about a 35-foot Balsam fir here,' He said. 'No matter what you call it, a tree probably isn't the best way to honor my birth or the Holy Father.'
Several legislative aides, present at the time Jesus appeared, said that a bright and magnificent light appeared from the ceiling and a chorus of perhaps 100 angels sang the most beautiful of melodies as he floated down and gently landed on the floor of the state Assembly. Jesus then asked Assembly Speaker John Gard, R-Pestigo, if he could say a few words. A dumbfounded Gard humbly acquiesced.
'Ladies and gentlemen of the Wisconsin state legislature,' Jesus said to the growing crowd of elected representatives who filed into the chamber from their offices. 'You are really starting to press your luck. I understand trying to find religious motivation in many of the laws you make, but it's getting kind of ridiculous. The gay marriage ban is a close call ... the Bible is all over the place on that one ... sorry about that.'
'I'm not seeing a real good connection between my teachings and allowing people to carry concealed firearms or weakening environmental regulations that will lead to the degradation of all that work my dad did in those six days.'
Jesus said those issues were only mildly annoying compared to the controversy over Christmas. He railed against the argument that there were people trying to remove him from Christmas.
'That's just absurd. I mean, just look at it'Christ-mas,' his most holy servant said. 'The Christ in Christmas is clearly not going anywhere.'
The Son of God appealed to the legislators and the world to take a more sensible look at the holidays.
'Its important to remember that there are many other holidays occurring around the same time. You've got Kwanza, Hanukkah, the Muslim Hajj Pilgrimage, and the new year, Chinese and otherwise, just to name a few. 'Happy Holidays' is just a little easier than rattling off a list of the dozen of events.
'Its easy to forget that Christmas or any other holiday around this time isn't about the material goods that we so desperately want to acquire, but that it is about spreading love and joy to everyone in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, or whoever you worship.'
'Which reminds me'I've got to stop at the mall on my way back to Heaven to get my dad his present. I'm getting him an iPod. He just thinks those Nanos are the coolest little things!'
