The Badger Baloney is obviously fake news'merely a satirical commentary on life in Madison. Except in the case of public figures, the people are not real.
Chazen Museum of Art officials announced yesterday the theft of several pieces from their collection this past weekend. Citing general indifference and other priorities, the museum officials said that they would have said something earlier, but they were really busy planning the office holiday party.
The works, valued from $10.00 to $21.50 each, were not expected to cause any alarm amongst the minuscule art-enjoying community around Madison. Police are half-heartedly investigating the matter.
'The person or persons responsible for this... err, crime, entered through the front doors of the Chazen Museum which were apparently, accidentally, left unlocked,' University of Wisconsin Police Department spokesperson Mark Knull said. 'They then stepped over the piece of string that acts as a make-shift security alarm and proceeded to remove several pieces of ... umm, art, from the premises.'
Museum officials confirmed the thefts of several works, including 'Lucrezia Romana' (1510-25) by Giampietrino, 'The Triumph of Galatea' (early 1700s) by Noel Nicolas Coypel and 'Diana' (1890) by Kenyon Cox. All works were ones no one with any taste in art would give two shits about.
'I'm sort of confused why anyone would steal from our collections,' a museum official said on the condition of anonymity. 'Frankly, we've got more valuable things in the gift shop.'
Several witnesses said they saw what appeared to be a group of drunken college students enter the museum at about 2:15 a.m. Sunday.
According to police, one of the individuals remained in a lookout position, while simultaneously urinating on the side of the building. Others roamed the interior, apparently using 'Roundabout' by Peter Gourfain as a jungle gym and Barbara Hepworth's spiral bowl-shaped sculpture as a vomitorium.
The intoxicated students proceeded to remove the works of art identified and, authorities suspect, hang them above couches in their apartments. Police have indicated that they will 'keep an eye out' for the works when they raid unruly house parties.
'We're seeing this as a quick 'in-and-out' or 'smash-and-grab' operation,' Knull said. 'The thieves knew what they were looking for. In this case... paintings of naked women.'
Chazen officials expressed optimism despite the brazen theft of some of their art.
'I'm not too worried about the safety of our other works here,' Museum Director Russell Panczenko said. 'Next week, we're upgrading out security systems to include velvet ropes in front of the art and adding a few extra inattentive security guards.'
Some museum officials, who mistakenly believe that their art is worth something, suspect that the college students may have been working on behalf of international art thieves. Police quickly dismissed this idea as 'full of crap' similar to what art critics have said about Ed Paschke's 'Spoken Word,' on the fourth floor of Chazen, another work removed during the robbery.
'I suspect that recovering many of these works will be quite difficult,' Knull said. 'One, because we really don't care to waste our time with this artsy-fartsy sort of stuff and, two, because I have a feeling that somewhere 'Barrier Series Number Four' by Jack Tworkow is by now a beer pong table.'
