Though challenging the status quo is the basis of all innovation, a certain amount of oversight is required to distinguish between good ideas and for example, Pat Boone's 'No More Mr. Nice Guy.'
Every day, advocates of Intelligent Design publish another article challenging the teaching of evolution in public schools, and while a Kansas school board has decided to redefine the very meaning of 'science,' experts continue to pose questions about just how a school could possibly find a way to teach two completely incongruent topics together.
In the interest of giving the children of Kansas the tools necessary to decide for themselves in the least amount of time possible and letting them get back to whatever it is six members of the school board missed out on, I suggest schools dust off their Betamax players and get ready to pop in a brand new tape. It's time for the return of Schoolhouse Rock.
For the last four decades the Schoolhouse Rock collection of music videos has put to rest the minds of students on every topic from pronouns and adverbs (Grammar Rock) to the solar system and electricity (Science Rock). What better way to teach kids the fundamentals of differentiating between science and religion in half an hour than I Can't Believe We're Being Forced To Cover This Material Rock.
Adorable new characters like Donald Napoleon Asphodelus and Uncle Monkey would educate curious students about the basics of heredity and descent with modification in kid-friendly sing-a-longs like 'Recombination Station' and 'The Fun Furry Folks at My Family Reunion.' On 'A Theory is a Broad Explanation, Framework or Model That Has Withstood Rigorous Scientific Testing,' Brooklyn-based trio We Are Scientists will provide the mandatory rock n' roll cameo (they already have an album called Safety, Fun and Learning. How great is that!).
As mandated by state educational law, the video will also, of course, contain songs dealing with Intelligent Design. 'Irreducible Complexity: That's What's Happening' will explain (with a video that will look very much like Monte Python's 'Galaxy Song' minus the space nudity) that the structure of the human eye is indeed scientific evidence for, as I understand it, a watchmaker. Certainly, everyone can agree that building a Rolex in the dark would be no picnic. 'God Shaved the Queen' would go on to explain the role of the divine in biological diversity, to the accompaniment of scorching rhythm guitars.
To demonstrate the risks inherent in expanding the definition of science to include one religious belief, doctrines such as Creationism would also get their say.
'5,000 Years of History' and 'When Man Ruled the Dinosaurs' would follow the life of our planet from its creation five millennia ago to present day. To ensure fairness, Internet religions such as the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster would weigh in with their own songs, such as the contemporary hymn 'His Noodly Appendage Touches Us All.' Beck could even pen a tune about Scientology if he was so inclined.
One may argue that attempting to encapsulate the key points of such a polarizing debate in a half hour special ideally suited for airing between episodes of Scooby Doo would be a silly, irresponsible thing to do, but consider Schoolhouse Rock's track record. Has there been any question as to the proper use of a conjunction since the first shorts premiered in 1973? I have scientific proof that this debate could be solved just as easily. Why, just look at the sheer number of words in this column. Matt Hunziker is a sophomore majoring in political science and journalism. He can be reached at hunziker@wisc.edu.
