Last year, I worked as a student custodian in the Lakeshore dorms. Ladies, was there a time when you walked into your bathroom early on a Sunday morning, only to find a wide-eyed, unshaven intruder crouching over the toilet like some horrifying Nosferatu armed with a spray bottle of disinfectant? That was me. Anyway, although the weekend hours were sometimes less than pleasant and I was repeatedly pelted with Nalgene bottles by frightened girls in bathrobes, it was decent work.
One task in particular always made me die a little bit inside, though, and that task was taking out the recycling. Many residents would put things in recycling bins that were, in fact, not recyclable.
Some mistakes I understood; although pizza boxes from Ed's and Carson's are made of cardboard, they are not actually recyclable. It is also not unreasonable to believe that paper towels can be recycled with the paper, but alas, they are mere trash.
However, I often had to sort recyclables so frustratingly misplaced that I feel obligated to use this public forum to call attention to actual examples, so that you may change your garbage habits for the better. So dorm-denizens, pay close heed. And to those of you who live in apartments or houses: this doesn't apply to you, so put the newspaper down and fricking pay attention in Anthro lecture for a change. God.
THE FOLLOWING ARE NON-RECYCLABLE:
Blue jeans, shirts, socks, etc. If you have been attempting to recycle these things, you may be unable to distinguish between the concepts of 'recycling bin' and 'Salvation Army.'
Cans of Coor's Light are recyclable, but not when they are still half-full. Please dump out the stale, warm excess beer into the trash room sinks. Also: LIGHT beer? What city do you think you are in?
Apple cores are not recyclable. They do not put fresh apple on cores at the recycling plant; they have to pick whole new apples off trees.
Used condoms. Latex does not recycle, to say nothing of the other material. Furthermore: ick.
Carcasses of mako sharks. (I'll level with you: I never actually found a mako shark carcass when I was working custodial. But if I had, I'd be like, 'Dude, WTF'? and be all grouchy about having to walk it ten feet over to the trash can.)
Styrofoam packing peanuts. Not only are these not recyclable, but sometimes I'd find them mixed with the cans and bottles, the liquid contents of which had not been dumped out (see item two). As a result, I would sometimes have to extract wet, caramelized-cola-covered bits of Styrofoam out of the bins, one at a time. Most Western religions recognize this as a ticket to instant damnation, and although the Bhagavad Gita doesn't expressly forbid this, Lord Krishna very heavily suggests it is so to Arjuna.
Although newspapers are recyclable, if you get The Wall Street Journal every single day and only dispose of them in great big heavy stacks once a month, you may one day open your dorm room door to be greeted by a big bag of flaming poo in recompense.
Well, that's all for my recycling tips, kids. And remember, if the condom wrapper says 'Made from 100 percent recycled materials'?? I dunno man, maybe you should just cuddle.
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