After perusing the movie news this week, I stumbled upon a couple of interesting tidbits: Warner Brothers has greenlit a grossly unnecessary remake to Sam Peckinpah's 'The Wild Bunch;' Bob Saget is planning to write, produce and direct a spoof of 'March of the Penguins' entitled 'Farce of the Penguins;' and Rob Schneider is going to direct his next shitty movie himself. Oh, and Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm for a million dollars.
Yes, that's right, the multitalented Vincent Gallo is selling his sperm on his fan site for the purposes of in-vitro fertilization. For those of you who don't know who Gallo is, he's the writer, director and star of two of the past decade's highest profile independent films''Buffalo '66' and 'The Brown Bunny.'
'Buffalo '66' actually hit as an extremely successful and auspicious debut for Gallo as a director. Featuring a bizarre plot that is too convoluted to summarize, 'Buffalo '66's' striking eccentricity and stark originality struck a chord with the indie crowd. Some lauded it, some lambasted it, but one thing was clear'this was a truly idiosyncratic movie from the mind of a unique, most likely disturbed individual. What would he direct next?
His follow-up, last year's legendarily awful 'The Brown Bunny,' is what made him famous. The film made headlines when it premiered at the Cannes Film Festival to incessant jeers and boos, most centered on its tedium (the film consists mostly of Gallo driving cross-country) and especially the climactic scene in which Chl??e Sevigny gives him a real blow job onscreen.
Roger Ebert called it 'the worst film ever to screen at Cannes,' which prompted Gallo to launch an immature tirade against the Pulitzer Prize-winning film critic, making fun of his weight and claiming Ebert was disrespectful at the screening. Gallo and Ebert eventually met and made peace, and after Gallo trimmed thirty minutes of the endless driving scenes, Ebert actually took back his comments and gave it a thumbs-up review. Since then, some prestigious critics bought into the hype and defended the film, while others stood their ground and denounced it as the pretentious, god-awful pile of shit it is.
Now, Gallo is capitalizing on 'The Brown Bunny's' infamous fellatio, encouraging those interested in his spunk to watch it as evidence of his being 'well-hung.' According to the site, the 'drug, alcohol and disease free' Gallo will donate as many times as necessary, but will charge an extra half million for natural insemination. The site repeatedly praises him as being multitalented, not only in 'all creative fields' but also as an award-winning athlete.
The site also states that Gallo must approve of the potential buyer by photograph, and he is offering a month-long discount of fifty grand to women with naturally blond hair and blue eyes, and to those with a Jewish background (which apparently would give the child a chance at better critical reception or an award if he/she went into the film industry).
And, my favorite part, Gallo 'maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those with extremely dark complexions' because 'though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be a part of that type of integration.'
If Gallo hadn't already proven himself to be bat-shit insane, this would be a pretty fantastic joke. It could be an audacious publicity stunt, but since he is incorrigibly self-righteous, there's little chance that it's anything less than serious. Here's the scary part: There are probably some wealthy folks out there who will hit Gallo up on his offer in the hopes of spawning a multi-talented, well-endowed, genetically preferable child.
If they're lucky, perhaps the child will direct incredibly self-indulgent, pointless movies when they grow up too. But remember, that's only if the child is Jewish.
To read Gallo's complete offer go to http://vgmerchandise.com/misc.html.
