Amid the growing controversy over mopeds on campus, UW-Madison officials have begun a public education campaign. Their message to moped-riding students: get off your lazy fat asses and walk to class.
Concerned with the increase in mopeds on campus and the related traffic and parking problems, officials are looking to convince the shiftless tubs of lard that are the moped-riding student population to walk just a few goddamn blocks.
Since the beginning of the fall semester, the UW Police Department has issued 113 citations to gold-bricking moped driers. The UWPD said its officers have given students plenty of notice about the new moped rules.
\We're not the bad guys here,"" said department spokesperson Mark Knull. ""We just try to keep the campus safe and orderly from dumpy butts who think that going from Langdon Street to Grainger Hall is too far for a stroll.""
Students have complained in earnest about the new rules. UW freshman Connie Meyers was recently issued a parking citation for illegally parking in front of the Humanities Building.""Those parking Nazis are outrageous,"" Meyers said. ""Don't they have anything better to do then pick on students?""
Interim dean of students Lori Berquam said that complaints such as Meyer's were not uncommon. The number of moped-related citations account for less that 0.003 percent of the 40,309 undergraduate and graduate students that go to class almost every day. While it may seem absolutely silly to waste time addressing a problem that is confined to an incredible minority of whiny, privileged moped-riders, no problem is too insignificant for the Madison administrators.
""We have to address the needs of our minority students,"" Berquam said. ""Even if that minority is lazy SOBs unable to put one foot in front of the other to get five blocks to class.""
""Look, I'm getting a lot of complaints about our new moped parking regulations,"" she continued. ""While I'm sympathetic to the financial burden these fines have caused, Connie Meyer's case is a bit different. Girl has been making one too many trips to the ice cream shop in Gordon Commons.""
UWPD officials said they agree with Berquam. ""Let this be a warning to reckless moped drivers. One, sidewalks are not roads. Two, bike lanes are for bikes. Three, almost everywhere on campus is less than a 15 minute walk. So walk. We're tired of these lazy sacks of crap who can't put one foot in front of the other to get to class. Get your act together or find some expensive paperwork on your moped,"" Knull said.
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