Remember when you used to get in trouble at school and you had to call your parents? I'm not talking about a \Mom, I've got a tummy ache, come pick me up"" call. No, I mean a serious snafu. Something like, ""Sorry to call you at work, but I just put an entire pack of Bubblicious gum in Daisy May's hair and she's threatening to press charges.""
I bet you thought those days were gone, didn't you?
Sure there are certain, extreme situations that might warrant a call home from school. But, short of getting caught breaking into the primate research lab in search of a new house pet, you probably assumed the administrators would have no reason to call home.
Well, think again, because the Dean of Students' office has your home phone number on speed dial and they're just waiting for you to slip up so they can make the call. The days of the ""call home"" are back and you can do little to stop them.
According to a story in Monday's Daily Cardinal, 22 calls home were already made. The Dean of Students reported that the students were all freshmen and sophomores who got caught drinking in the dorms.
Can you imagine that phone call? My guess is it goes something like this:
Mom: ""Hello?""
You: ""Hey mom, it's me. I'm calling from the Dean of Students' office.""
Mom: ""Did you get caught trying to break into the primate research lab again? I told you, if you want a pet, we'll buy you a goldfish.""
You: ""That's not it Mom. I'm calling because I got caught drinking in the dorms last night. They sent me to detox.""
Now, depending on who your parents are, there could be a few different responses. Let's take a look at some of the possibilities.
Response A: ""FIRST-NAME, MIDDLE-NAME, LAST-NAME! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? YOU'RE CUT OFF, YOUNG MAN. YOU HEAR ME? CUT OFF!""
Response B: ""I'm sorry to hear that. I thought you knew better than that.""
Response C: ""Drinking in the dorms? HA! When I was in college, we used to drink in class. The professors used to bring kegs right into the lecture hall. It was great. How much is the ticket? I'll write a check.""
But before you get too worried, I have some good news. Of the 22 students who've called home already, 14 did so from the UW-Madison Resident Life Office. So for those liberated from dorm life, chances are you're in the clear.
But for all the freshmen sitting in their dorms, Fleischmanns and Kool-Aid ready-hoping that the next knock on the door is just another lost stoner looking for the drug dealer on your floor-I have this advice: if that knock really is the police, and you live on the fifth floor or lower, jump out the window. It's really not that far. If you live above the fifth floor, do the same. It's better than having to call home to your parents.
You're welcome to call Joe if you go to detox. Shoot him an e-mail first at jphasler@wisc.edu.
