Awwwww yeah! Take that,page one. Who's face up now, bitch? You might have won which page was looked at first, but I've won the current readers' attention now. I just kept telling myself, 1-0 baby, one and oh. Don't focus on any loss, just keep trying. I knew I could beat that page one, and now I have. Suck it, front page.
What? You think I'm taking this a little too seriously, don't you. Oh, every column in the paper is a winner; we all did our best, consolation medals for all. BZZZ, wrong. This is cut-throat, baby. You either get $500 and another spin or you get the Whammy! Either you win or you go hang out in the back, and, unlike the middle school bus, it is not cool to be in the back.
Sadly, there aren't prizes for column popularity or reader statistics (as far as I know, though I probably shouldn't complain). But the premise of rampant competition is nothing new. We live in a competitive society. In school we have honors
and dean's lists, at work there are promotions, between your buddies there's whose girlfriend isn't faking it. Competition is reality.
Maybe you don't believe me, but TV says I'm correct. And TV is always right. So take that, I win.
Consider reality shows. The name says it all. They are reality. Therefore, reality is competition, or more specifi cally, it is a competition between a group of dysfunctional social rejects for a cash prize by being able to eat the most camel
recti in a allotted amount of time. (Recti is of course the plural form of rectum, trust me, I'm a winner)
OK, maybe reality TV isn't the best example. Last time I checked, none of us lived on a deserted island, were competing in a race around the world, or lived in a mansion without a worry beyond which pick-up line will work best:
'Let's go back to my place. You might have heard of it, it's called The Real World' or 'Please sign here, here and initial here agreeing that MTV can air clips of me actually scoring and that your likeness may be used in the subliminal
promotion of Pepsi.'
Another key difference is that we don't get a chance to vote people off the island?? or out of the class, or out of the city or out of whatever relevant bounded area. Though in some cases, that would be pretty damn sweet.
'Um, roommate, I'm sorry, but you left your dirty clothes in the hall again. I'm afraid we voted, and you have to go home.'
Maybe a better example of life focusing on competition comes most fall Saturdays. It might be different if we went to school somewhere else where the most important thing is if you tried your hardest, such as possibly, oh I don't know, maybe Temple.
This weekend will be an especially good example of life focusing on competition as W marks the spot of who is going to win. Our record is going strong, last week's game is being called an instant classic, and we have been able to win a Big Ten game or a few.
Purdue on the other hand doesn't bring much to the table. Well except a fondness for petroleum jelly that is a little bit more than what one would consider healthy?? if you know what I mean. Still hundreds of thousands of people will tune in to some or all of the game to root for one side or the other.
Oh, wait! It's the end? No, don't move on. Hey, um, you could, uh, read this column again. Yeah, that's it. Right? I'm still winning, right?
No, don't look down there??
