I can't tell you how many e-mails I've received from readers asking, 'Justin, what do you think of the Elvehjem Museum of Art having changed its name to the Chazen earlier this year'? Well, actually, I suppose I CAN tell you how many: zero. But if you can think of a more economical way to introduce this column, I would bloody well like to hear it.
Anyway, the answer to the question on nobody's lips is that I think it stinks. A couple of UW-Madison alumni from New York very generously donate $20 million to the museum, and the university acts as though they bought the naming rights to the place. Truly, the Chazen is the new Miller Park.
Why does the name-change irk me so? I certainly don't dislike the Chazens themselves, and I commend them for their munificent patronage (although it is all I can do, as a small-town Midwestern boy, to keep from calling them 'city folk' while chewing on a stalk of wheat). I just miss the old name too damn much.
There's a certain sentimental attachment to it, I think, but mostly I'm just disappointed that it's put the kibosh on my plans to become a career art thief.
Let me explain. I am not eligible for much financial aid. In high school, I was told that if I worked hard and kept my grades high, scholarships would take care of my college tuition.
I soon discovered, however, that what scholarship sponsors are really focused on is community service and 'leadership experience.' When they asked me why I didn't do more volunteer work and join more activities, I told them it was because I was concentrating on my schoolwork to make sure I got straight A's like I thought you wanted, you bastards.
As a substitute, I eventually hit upon the idea of paying for college through art thievery. It was a well-thought-out decision: I love heist movies. The Elvehjem, I decided, would be the perfect target because of its difficult-to-pronounce (it's 'ELL-vee-yum') name:
Caller: Police? I've just witnessed a robbery!
911: OK, keep calm. Where are you?
Caller: I'm at the, um ... Ee-leh-vuh-HEE-jem.
911: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Caller: The, um ... Ell-vedge ... uh, Elfie-HIDGE-im?
911: I'm afraid I don't follow you, son. I've never read 'The Lord of the Rings.'
In the resulting confusion, I would be long gone with the precious works of art by the time the fuzz reached the museum. I had planned to assemble a crew of co-conspirators and criminals, and we were all going to spout witty Tarantino-style banter about the minutia of pop culture and daily life; I had a monologue prepared about the price of stamps and everything. And then the name change came and ruined everything.
Well, fie upon the renaming, I say! Sure, maybe it's easier for new students to pronounce, and it may keep me from a life of crime, but have we not sacrificed a cool, esoteric name honoring former UW-Madison President Conrad A. Elvehjem in the process?
Well, you can do your part to stick it to the university by mispronouncing the new museum's name. I recommend a pretentious French 'Shay-zonn.' With your help, maybe we can confuse the police long enough for me to walk away with enough stolen art to keep me enrolled at this wonderful school of ours.
Justin can be reached at morrisonbass@yahoo.com and your message will be forwarded to his prison cell.
