So I've been reading in the newspapers that our fair city has seen an increase in the number of male flashings occurring on or around campus.
This alarms me, because I had been under the impression that there weren't really any such thing as male flashers. I know female flashers exist-TV commercials for \Girls Gone Wild"" have taught me about them-but unlike their male counterparts, when these women lift up their shirts, their naughty bits are concealed behind two strategically placed stars, or banners that say ""ORDER NOW!""
I was under the impression that the lone man exposing himself to random passing women, however, was something not seen outside of fictional movies and television shows. In my mind, the male flasher was confined to the same distant world as ""555"" phone numbers and jugs of whiskey with ""XXX"" printed on them.
And so my mind raced to find other possibilities. For example, we've just had a very warm summer, so I thought we may merely be dealing with a string of overheated individuals with no sense of modesty. As the days are growing colder, however, I don't see how this can be the case. Yet, if we truly are dealing with flashers, why would they wait for cooler weather to begin exposing themselves? When it comes to public nudity, cold air is not the best environment in which to put a man's best foot forward, to say nothing of his other extremities.
With no more plausible explanation, however, I have resigned myself to accepting that a dark season of flashing-streaking's deviant cousin-may be upon us. Whereas streakers are merry pranksters, running about sans trousers in jovial celebration of the human body in front of large audiences, flashers selectively target victims in a predatory fashion and expose themselves to their prey. Flashers, truly, are the snipers of the exhibitionist crowd.
Well, I for one do not want this in my town, so I will offer a suggestion to anyone reading this who may be thinking of taking up flashing: Why don't you start an adult website instead? All you need is a webcam, a tiny bit of web design know-how and your own naked self. You wouldn't even need that much web space: Remember, it's not the size of your bandwidth, it's what you do with it.
The advantage of this approach is you still get to expose yourself to people, but to a willing audience instead of frightened passersby. People will seek you out instead of you having to find them, and as long as everyone's over 18, you won't have those pesky cops bothering you about ""lewd and lascivious behavior."" Best of all, if your website becomes popular, you may even be able to charge people for looking at your nakedness. Think of it as erotic financial aid. And really, if you could make money AND not have to wear pants, I don't see why you wouldn't.
Thus in one fell swoop have I solved the problem of flashing in Madison while also encouraging new talent into the adult entertainment industry. Truly, one man can still make a difference.
Oh, and P.S.-if this website of yours turns out to be a cash cow, why not send a cut of your profits my way as a way of saying ""thank you"" to your source of inspiration?
Have your credit card ready and e-mail Justin Zyduck at firstname.lastname@example.org.