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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, April 12, 2024

Wild Bill knows how to handle Mifflin

Wild Bill is the mouse in my house. My addiction to mind-altering cough medicine escalated last night. Here's what happened: 








Wild Bill, please chew quieter. I'm figuring out which weekend to do my three-story beer bong for the Mifflin Street Block Party. 




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Wild Bill! There's a huge problem here. Mifflin should be April 30, but they scheduled it for May 7. I've got a final paper due May 8 and I'm just trying to work out the logistics. Let me see... If I bong at 2 p.m., I could do the paper at... 




Numbskull! I'm trying to get your attention. And it's Wild William III, you ignorant %&$. 








The whole Mifflin issue, it's part of a system that demoralizes students and backs them into a corner. Ever think about that, pea-brain? 




Which corner? Is that how you got into the house? 




Listen, there's a hole in your house so big even GusGus could fit in. Your landlord's consistently breaking and entering. They infringe upon your contract regularly and demand proposterous rent. You know this! 




Yeah, Wild Bill, but this doesn't help with the Mifflin debacle. 




Of course it does! Think about it. This whole \Mifflin mishap"" really sprung out of the city, university and cops having an interest in counteracting the party school reputation and making a quick buck while doing it. 




Yeah, and? 




Well, these groups tell students to go home and stop partying. But where are they sending you? Back to bat-infested hellholes that you settle for. 




I could just move to the Aberdeen... 




I'm going to pellet poop all over your precious wardrobe if you keep talking like that. You really want to live in a stark white cell that's two billion feet above the ground?  




Leave my spring skirts out of this! No, I don't, but what does this have to do with the party school thing? 




Winter, please. These landlords force you into terrible situations. They treat you like garbage and expect you to live in garbage. It's all interconnected. If you demanded better living conditions, you'd have more respect for yourself, and the city would have more respect for you. 




Why would they do that? 




You'd be surprised at the power you have if you collect a unified voice. But residing in a house that's apt to crumble at any minute makes them confident enough to take advantage of you. You appear subhuman! Like, like... 




Like a rodent? 




How dare you. 








Anyway, it's probably too late to rescue Mifflin this year, but start demanding a better living environment. Regain the activism that inspired the party in the first place! 




I thought Mifflin was a tribute to beer bongery? 




Imbecile, no! It began as a celebration of student activism in the '60s, back when students banded together for more than meaningless group projects. You need to show you can still fight, and what a more legitimate issue to take up than your living conditions? After all, your environment creates a lethargic atmosphere that's intolerable! 




But, how? 




Put signs on your window that say, ""Bats live here, you shouldn't."" Get involved the Worst House contest this month. Organize! Earn back the reason for Mifflin and the reinstatement of your party will follow. 




Not bad, Wild Bill. How'd you get so smart? 




Taser-testing gone awry. 





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