I love the University of Wisconsin. Every Tuesday, either directly or indirectly, I express my affection for this school. And last week, even though I pointed out a few of the university's recent blunders, I still made it a point to convey my admiration for the finest school around.
Recently, I've been pondering my relationship with our school. I am a UW-Madison student, customer, observer, and historian, amongst several other things, but of them all, profiteer isn't one of them-yet.
Look around-practically everything you see and touch is a result of some business venture between UW-Madison and another company-whether it be the soda you drink between classes or the toilet paper you ... blow your nose with.
Just the other day, after walking past a vending machine with the image of Quaaz'morg (Bucky Badger) and \WISCONSIN"" plastered all over it, I realized it was high-time for me to get in on the action.
After minutes of thought and introspection, my ingenious plan to profit off our beloved school came to me like an epiphany from above-Total Campus Immersion, or, ""Spend a week with Peter N. Long.""
Basically, my idea is to start a program where, for one week each semester, I take a single high school senior interested in attending UW-Madison under my wing and have them experience the college life, first-hand.
The program will cost approximately $2,939 to cover all expenses for the week-food, lodging, tornado insurance, parlor fees and any miscellaneous expenditures that may come along, such as rent or Jack Daniel's-to be paid in full, up-front and in cash on the first day, right after the consent form is signed by the student's parents. Once I am duly compensated and released from all liability and legal obligation, it's time for the parents to leave and the total campus immersion to begin.
During the week-long program, the prospective student-called ""Pete's Pal""-will follow me through a normal college schedule of classes, homework and general student life. Because my program stresses total immersion, instead of simply observing while I go to class, take notes, do homework, cook my food, clean my apartment, wash my clothes and pay my bills, Pete's Pal will do all those things for me, thereby gaining real experience on life as a college student.
Though the one-time, non-refundable fee seems steep at first, Pete's Pal and his or her parents will realize the profound impact of my total immersion program when questions and concerns about life in college invariably arise.
What's it like to cook breakfast before class? Pete's Pal will know because he or she would've had the experience of waking up two hours before me to prepare my breakfast each morning. How do I take the right notes in class? Pete's Pal will have gained valuable note-taking skills by writing detailed notes in my lectures while I slept. What's the best way to clean a toilet after a party? Pete's Pal will be an expert on plunging, scrubbing and sanitizing after a weekend with me.
The questions are endless, but through my program, Pete's Pal will have the answers, I will have the cash and UW-Madison will have one more student in the bank each fall.
Peter is a sophomore planning to major in in journalism. He can be reached at writePNL@yahoo.com. His column runs every Tuesday in The Daily Cardinal.
