Hold your scorn the next time a neighbor's incoming text message interrupts one of your lectures-it just might be from Jesus.
A wireless company in Finland made news recently for offering a service which delivered inspirational messages from \Jesus"" in response to text-messaged prayers at $1.50 a pop.
The service was shut down within a month, citing complaints and less than stellar profits. ""It seems you can't interest people in everything,"" a company executive was quoted as saying.
Perhaps not in Finland, but here in America, I beg to differ. The only likely hurdle to the success of such a venture here in the land of liberty would be its cost. That, however, could be easily surmounted by the enduring symbol of entrepreneurial spirit that is the toll-free hotline.
The result would be an ideal resource for those desiring a heavenly connection without the inconvenience of cracking a book or locating a place of worship. Ancient teachings and modern technology would be wedded, while it's still constitutional to do such a thing.
And because one instance of questionable taste deserves another, here's what a call to 1-800-I-REPENT might sound like:
""Greetings! You have reached Dial-a-Deity, your comprehensive destination for all things pious and pure. You may press 0 at any time during this message to listen in on our 24-hour virtual tent ministry revival.
""If the countenance of a divine being has appeared to you in a fence post, a patch of condensation, a Cheeto, that strange lump the dog just hacked up or in any sort of flaky breakfast pastry, press one. Our friendly operators will aid you in mobilizing your local media outlets and drawing crowds of faithful to bask in its glorious light and speculate as to its providential purpose.
""We are living in turbulent times-a war on terror, an unsteady economy, an erosion of traditional values in nearly all facets of life. If you need a fitting snippet of Scripture to supplement your letter to the editor, to plaster on your protest banner or to tie around that rock bound for your local lawmaker's window, press two.
""If you would like to report a probable heathen, heretic, infidel or idolater in your midst in need of illumination, press three. One of our fine digital missionaries will promptly contact them with tidings of pity, contempt or classic scare-'em-straight fire and brimstone-whichever you please!
""If you wish to inquire about an exorcism to cast a demonic presence out of your home, automobile, family member, pet or small kitchen appliance, press four. Please note, if you are calling to purge spastic musical hamsters from your television, this is only a commercial.
""And finally, if you are a guilt-laden sinner on the verge of abject desperation seeking forgiveness from one of our accredited confessors, you've made the right call. Simply press five, and your burden shall be lifted.
*Beep.*
You have selected personalized absolution from earthly sin. All of our soul-savers are currently busy, but if you remain on the line your desperate plea for quasi-divine assistance will be answered in the order it was received.""
Of course, there would still be a few minor kinks to work out.
