Greetings, my fellow Americans: In light of recent discoveries by the Mars rovers and the speculation surrounding them, I, the president of these United States, would like to present an addendum to last week's State of the Union address.
Our brave mechanical explorers have found the Martian environment to be inhospitable to all but the most rudimentary, debased forms of life. That's right: Mars may be teeming with evildoers.
Snapshots of the Martian surface have revealed certain tell-tale signs of potential evil-doing. Martian winds have the power to obliterate tracks left by mobile weapons labs. Discolored soil patches could indicate stockpiles of chemical weapons, subterranean tehr-rist training camps or perhaps spider holes in which Martian insurgents hide from the glare of truth and freedom.
Embedded autonomous intelligence operatives from America and her coalition of noble allies have also detected the presence of Martian ice. Where there is ice, there may be water. Where there is water, there may be life. Life, as you know, may one day develop the capacity to engage in weapons of mass destruction-related-apparatus assemblage activities, perhaps even to furnish groups like al-Qaeda with nuke-u-lar arms. The Martian menace which perchance exists threatens more than American lives. Cohabitating Martian couples likely know nothing of our societal cornerstone of marriage. We cannot in good faith allow them to continue consorting pell-mell, defiling this sacred union and abetting the corruption of their youth. And though their means of reproduction are unknown, Martian young must be educated with a firm abstinence-only message to avoid the dangers of premarital mitosis and visceral offspring-gestation.
We must join together to combat this possible assault on our values by sordid alien-heh heh-custom. I propose broadening several provisions of the Patriot Act in order to better monitor their activities, as well as funding faith-based initiatives to mold Martian infidels into model citizens under the guidance of our terrestrial theologies. America stands today before a grand opportunity. We have determined the red sands blanketing Mars' terrain likely conceal neither reserves of sweet, bubblin' oil nor stores of friendly Martian campaign contributors. Therefore, we must now resolve to liberate our hypothetical Martian brethren from the oppressive tyranny of their possibly dictatorial regimes and invite them to stand united under our exalted flag.
As we propel our campaign of democratic reform into the heavens, America may look with optimism to a new age of peace, understanding and interstellar communion.
However, we must also be realists. If Martian life exists, there is a real possibility that it is just a slimy, freedom-hating lot of no-good evildoers armed to the teeth or suction cups or what-have-you with WMDs. For all civilized nations, for freedom itself, it is our duty to venture beyond our planetary sphere to launch a pre-emptive strike against these extraterrestrial thugs.
To do just that, I ask the Congress for an additional $200 billion to fund Operation Sayonara, Spaceling Scum! Thank you, and God bless America.
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. Digital groupings of alpha-characters (known as \e-mails"" to all but her grandfather) may be sent to flamingpurvis@yahoo.com.
