Another Thanksgiving has come and gone, and the haunting spirit of yams calling out from beyond the grave and from beyond the fridge door is the only reminder of the carnage that occurred last Thursday. Finally one can focus on ignoring the nervousness that accompanies a student who has skipped way too many classes, instead of on conning your smartass younger cousin into giving up the wishbone.
Yes, that's right: If you have spent the past two-and-a-half months playing Madden on your X-Box instead of writing that paper for English or loafing in your sweatpants as the Red Sox lost to the Yankees in seven games instead of showing up to do a group project with the guy who smells bad and the girl who talks too much, you now have time to concentrate on school. C'mon, at least give them a little respect and learn their names; I'm granting you lazy-yet-still-intelligent college students full freedom to ignore your remaining classes.
Instead, learn how to cook a nice meal. Or take your significant other out to dinner. Or buy a cheap bottle of scotch and a cheaper hooker. Please, do anything aside from torturing yourself by sitting in class these last few days of the semester. Face it: You are not going to learn anything by sitting in these classes. Instead, learn how to make a decent marinade or barbeque sauce-enjoy and revel in your slackership. If you've taken the entire semester to accumulate a terrible attendance record, why screw it up by going to class the last few days?
No, you should be at home, with your bedroom door closed listening to Bob Dylan, blissfully unaware of your academic folly. Or in your kitchen, with a spatula in one hand and a beer in the other, watching as slices of chicken, pepper, carrots, rice and onions writhe, pop and cook in heated ecstasy as the sesame oil and soy sauce heat up in a wok. Let the studious few have their As. You can rest with a clear conscience at night knowing you did your part to help them get those grades by not showing up in class, hence giving them a better opportunity to take notes and suck up to T.A.s.
Meanwhile, you'll be warm in your home or drunk and warm in a bar, content with the knowledge that what you learn in college does not come out of a textbook or lecture hall. No, the knowledge comes from the people you meet, the people you like or dislike. The friends you meet who you stand by and who stand by you. They let you cheat on the take-home midterm and now you can cheat on the take-home final with them. Those are the friends you can count on.
Brian Lauvray is a senior majoring in history. E-mail him at bllauvray@wisc.edu.
