Usually, I try to insert something clever at the start of this column. And more often than not, I crash and burn in the process. So, I'm just going to state my point right now:
The Portland Trailblazers will win the NBA Championship this season.
\Excuse me?"" you ask incredulously. ""Have you been bogeying some of Rasheed's weed?"" you implore. Of course not. I've never smoked weed before. I mean, it sponsors terrorism, causes people to run over little girls and allows kids to drown. What a vile product! But I digress.
The Trailblazers, or the ""Jailblazers"" as some naysayers might call them, or the ""Blazers"" (followed by ironic laughter) as their dealers actually refer to them, will win for one simple reason: They are a Disney movie waiting to happen.
Their point guard, Damon Stoudemire was once caught at an airport metal detector with his stash rolled in tinfoil. Their shooting forward, Rasheed Wallace, has also been caught with the illegal herb a few years back. One of their power forwards, Ruben Patterson, was once charged with spousal battery, while the other one, Zach Randolph, was just arrested for driving under the influence of the chiva (his second DUI in two years). Throw in guard/forward Qyntel Woods' pot conviction and you have one ragtag group of guys.
Did I also mention that they hate each other? Randolph was suspended for two games for breaking Patterson's left eye socket last year. They even have a coach in Maurice Cheeks who seems to be above such behavior, yet cannot seem to rally his team behind anything except narcotics and violence. That and revealing secrets to the press.
In a Dec. 3 issue of The Oregonian, an anonymous player admitted to a practice that one of his teammates used for stash storage.
""Dude stuffs the fabric softener [inside] the bottle. Then, he pokes a hole at the bottom of the bottle. And he exhales through the bottle. The room smells like laundry,"" he said.
Oh, I hear the laughter now. ""These guys hotbox the locker room before each game. Instead of passing the rock, they pass the dutchie. They'll never get it together.""
But just you wait.
The team has hit a rock bottom of sorts in terms of jailtime and punchlines. So like the Cleveland Indians (Major League I and II), the Mighty Ducks (I and II) or the Washington Generals in the Keanu Reeves blockbuster ""The Replacements,"" the Trailblazers will just let it all out and play with nothing to lose. Coach Cheeks will rally them with a stirring speech and an ""us against the world"" attitude. They've already started rallying by trading petulant team cancer Bonzi Wells to the Grizzlies. If those movies have taught me anything, the Blazers will soon be rolling (we're talking wins, not joints).
All they need now is a sassy child who will help them along the way and a rallying theme song by a contemporary music star. Dare I say Clay Aiken?
Michael Jones is a senior majoring in international studies and political science. He can be reached for comment at michaeljones@dailycardinal.com.
