Fast food. Two words that for most people trigger a response in their saliva glands that would make Pavlov's dogs jealous. Driven by impulse to devour anything that smells like fried fat, most Americans stop at a fast food chain twice a week, eating roughly one pound of dairy cattle beef processed, flash frozen and fried for one's \dining pleasure.""
But for some, eating at a burger joint twice a week isn't enough. For some it is not enough to indulge in the infectious glee that is consuming fast food. No, some they must become carriers of the fast food contagion. Of course I am referring to the ""fast food junkie.""
The fast food junkie can take many forms. Arby-aholics, Culver cravers, Wendy's whores, Taco Bell takers-the list goes on. But the one thing all junkies have in common is their insatiable lust for fast food.
Tell tale signs of fast food addiction include:
1. Licking Arby-que sauce from underneath the fingernails of the person you're eating with at Arby's.
2. Sucking down milkshakes and then regurgitating them into the mouths of your blind and clamorous offspring in the desperate hope that by feeding your children milkshakes they will taste like milkshakes after you cook and then devour them.
3. Lying in a pile of greasy wrappers and rolling around in it as if it were a huge pile of money instead of filthy trash. (See Demi Moore in ""Indecent Proposal."")
4. Slathering bacon and slices of American cheese on your body and then telling your significant other to ""Come and get it.""
5. Explaining that you want Mayor McCheese and Grimace to visit you for your 21st birthday instead of going out.
Sadly, for most fast food addicts, these warning signs show up too late. Take the example of Theodore Deavitt, a former UW-Madison student.
In 2002, Ted noticed a twitch in his left hand whenever he would go a few days without fast food.
""I started out just eating a couple of super sized extra-value meals at Mickey D's, but pretty soon, if I wasn't scarfing down French fries constantly I was in a state of delirium,"" Deavitt said.
""Now if I even want to get a good night sleep I have to take a heavy dose of Special K, a powerful veterinary tranquilizer, or else I'll just start craving a Chalupa or something.""
For most junkies, Ted's story is all too familiar: broken families and broken lives, all because of fast food. Truly, there is a plague sweeping America and fast food is its name.
Brian Lauvray is a senior majoring in history. Fast food junkies can contact him at bllauvray@wisc.edu.
