STEP 5: It is important get the Touchtone Lady on her heels. Come out swinging or she's going to eat you alive. Keep this step next to your phone, or else write these numbers down and keep them nearby. Remember, timing is everything in this step as EVERYONE on campus is trying to get into the same four classes as you are. He who hesitates spends the next 5 summers taking classes.
First dial up the enrollment office at 3-2222. As soon as the Touchtone Lady picks up, hit 2. The second you get your finger off of 2, punch in your 10 digit ID number, and follow it up immediately with your PIN number. After a brief verification, press 1, then 1 again.
The conversation should sound like this:
Ring! Ring!
Boop!
\Pl-""
Boop-beep-bip-bap-boop-boop-beep-bip-boop-beep
""P-""
Beep-boop-bip-boop
""Please hold while we validate your student information??.. W-""
Beep!
""Guh-""
Beep!
My best time is 20 seconds. If you can keep your time under 30 seconds you're making a good first impression. The Touchtone Lady now realizes that you are not some pushover but an experienced college student who isn't going to take any crap from anyone. She's still going to break you, but at least now she respects you.
STEP 6: Remember back in Step 5 where you were able to skip over whatever the Touchtone Lady was saying? Well kiss those days goodbye, 'cause now it's her turn and she's going to jabber on like she's getting paid per word.
With each attempted class, she has to go verify something and she takes her sweet time doing it. Remember how I had you set up your new radio alarm clock next to the phone? Turn it on and enjoy some music while you wait for the Touchtone Lady to let you know that ""No, none of the classes needed for your major are open.""
STEP 7: After a couple of rejections from the Touchtone Lady, you may be starting to feel down in the dumps. This is where Step 7 comes in, as it provides you with a moral victory. It doesn't matter whether you need the class, enjoy the class or even understand the class. The important thing is that you are able to register for it and the Touchtone Lady can't stop you.
In order to prevent everyone from registering for the same class and thus negating the moral victory, please follow the handy chart below.
Last names A-H: Chem 103 General Chemistry. I-R: German 101 First Semester German. S-Z: Com Arts 100 Introduction to Speech Composition.
STEP 8: As you continue to register for classes, you may feel yourself growing more upset with your situation. This is a perfectly normal feeling. See that radio alarm clock sitting next to you? The one that reminded you that it was time for this torture? The one that's right now playing that stupid ""Can't Get You Out Of My Head"" song?
Smash it. Smash it good.
There, feel better now?
STEP 9: Eventually you will finish registering. The Touchtone Lady can only mess with you for so long before having to move along to torment someone else. When you finish let the Touchtone Lady know how much your time together has meant to you. Waving the middle finger at the phone has always worked for me.
Well, that's it, you're finally finished. Time to crack open a beer. A ROOT beer, that is. Oh, you silly underagers fall for that every time!
OUT!
