I'm sure many of you are wondering how I, as the kids say, \bling-blinged"" this spring break. Well let me tell you'my break was, as those same kids say, on the hook! Or is it off the hook? If those rappers enunciated better I'd know for sure, but it definitely involves a hook. Or maybe it was a book. Look, my break was great; that's what I'm trying to say.
But spring break is not just about sleeping and playing Dr. Mario. It's also a chance to educate yourself about your world. With that in mind, I'd like to share some things I learned over this break.
1. Everyone drives like idiots. All right, not everyone: Ricky Rudd drives pretty well, as did FDR, but everyone else is a menace on the road, as I found out more than once this past week.
First off, there appears to be a slight misunderstanding going on. S-T-O-P means to ""halt one's motion,"" not ""gun it around the corner."" My co-worker Mike Boll and I were tooling around in a UW Housing van on Wednesday and saw three different cars blow through stop signs in a three-hour time span. For those of you new to Earth, the red octagon is not a polite suggestion, especially at 3 p.m. in a crowded parking lot. That is, unless you want to wind up embedded in a Housing van next to a Foosball table.
Even worse was earlier that day when we were stuck behind this old guy for twenty minutes. Guys and gals, please, if you ever see two college-age men gesturing wildly at you in your rearview mirror, SPEED UP. That way we can see the hot girls in the Sun Prairie Dance Team car as well. Thank you.
2. If they're cheap, you can never have too many shirts. I have more shirts than I can fit in my dresser. Boll has enough shirts that they spill off his closet hangers into a pile next to his couch. So what did we spend a quarter of our week doing?
If you guessed shirt shopping at Goodwill, you'd be right. These are shirts that people give away, and we were buying them up like it was going out of style. Why? Where else are you going to find a Ghostbusters shirt for $1.49?
3. The Arby-Q has been discontinued. That's about all I have on this topic. My friend James took it rather badly, however, and I just wanted to warn you so the next time you're out you don't make a scene.
4. Raccoons are bad news. Until this break I always thought raccoons were a good time. Ranger Rick was a raccoon and he was a friendly magazine figurehead. But this break I heard not one, but two different stories about raccoon attacks. One involved a friend whose name I agreed not to mention and the other involves a girl whose name I can't mention because this is a family paper and it rhymes with Rock. So take this advice to heart. NEVER walk around University Avenue with a cookie without wearing some type of running shoe, and NEVER bring a Subway sandwich into the Alabama woods inside anything other than your belly.
So there you go: a little bit of useful knowledge to make up for all the slacking you did last week. How can you ever thank me?
Well, now that you mention it, checks and money orders can be sent to the address below.
What? Those shirts are cheap, not free.
OUT!
