With all the sadness and strife that has come to tarnish our collective consciousness in the past few months, the world is in dire need of a psychological boost. Nothing revitalizes hope in humanity like the sight of people comically carrying broom-like instruments around an ice rink for no perceivable purpose.
While the Olympics supposedly pays tribute to the courage and strength of the human spirit, the pomp and spectacle that dominate the presentation of the games often seem like a lame excuse for affirming the world's rampant wrongdoings.
Possibly the most unfortunate misappropriation of the Olympic spirit is the shameless greed of the advertisers who try to cash in on the noble atmosphere of the games. Advertisers in all fields have been quick to jump on the Olympic bandwagon.
Maybe it's just me, but I can't seem to figure out why the U.S. Olympic team could possibly necessitate an \official spray-on body hair remover"" for the Salt Lake City games. It makes you wonder what really goes on in the Olympic Village after hours.
With so many brilliant advertising techniques in current use, like adorning Britney Spears in a tight sweater and placing her at a '50s-era soda fountain, basing commercials on the Olympics seems like an incredibly cheap ploy. To put it simply, emotional music and slow-motion shots of a speed skater striving for gold will not change the fact that Big Macs are made from retired racehorses and taste like crap.
Materialism also becomes visible in the deficient television coverage of the Olympics. Unfortunately, the demands for ratings leave the networks unable to cover the events as they actually occur because that valuable time slot is reserved for rerunning that episode where Dharma and Greg have a quirky adventure and end up learning about themselves.
Whatever the motivation of the network executives may be, and the prevalence of reality television would lead me to speculate cocaine, their method of covering the Olympics means that you know the results long before they actually broadcast an event.
When you take this predictability into account, you might as well skip the Olympics and rent a formulaic romantic comedy. I recommend the 1991 classic ""Mannequin 2: On the Move.""
The problems with the Olympics certainly extend beyond exploitation by advertisers and poor coverage. Although the games should offer an opportunity for the world to join together in unity, some events over the past week have actually promoted international hostility. Luckily, our great nation need not worry about such problems, since nobody in the world disagrees with the unquestionable policies of the United States.
Amazingly enough, figure skating is again the source of tension in these games, a sport that has received no attention since that hilariously trashy knee bludgeoning a few years back. This time around, the alleged corruption of several judges has enraged the skating community and led to the presentation of two sets of gold medals.
I find it laughable that people place so much importance on the sport'placing responsibility for their national pride on skaters gliding around in outfits gaudy enough to make Boy George cringe.
While the games are a great showcase for the world's best athletes, it is clear to see that the Olympics don't always bring out the best in people. And that's quite a statement coming from the official newspaper columnist of the Salt Lake City games.
