Gone are the days when a malfunctioning remote control constituted a significant source of fear for the American populous. Clearly, an epidemic of terror has inundated the nation.
Perhaps the most intense fears sweeping the land have stemmed from the incidents involving mail contaminated by anthrax. Throughout the country, people are demonstrating uneasiness about checking the mail. For a little while, I actually considered jumping on the bandwagon of irrational postal fear.
Not only would I be protected from biological weapons by steering clear of the mailbox, I would also be able to avoid unpleasant items such as phone bills and those pesky notices to appear in court on indecent exposure charges. Apparently, running naked through a day care parking lot is still considered a crime even if you are triple-dog dared and offered a reward of a Sacagawea Dollar and a can of Beanie Weenies.
After more in-depth consideration, I came to realize that the negative effects of a mail-free life would severely outweigh the benefits. For example, without occasionally receiving those little free samples of personal-hygiene products in the mail, I would have difficulty functioning in society. In addition, without my monthly installment of the Victoria's Secret catalogue, I would have difficulty maintaining my extensive knowledge of the latest trends in feminine undergarment fashion.
The fear of mail is not the only phobia resulting from the recent attacks; many Americans are also terrified about the dangers of air travel.
It is quite understandable for the masses to fear flying after the terrifying events of Sept. 11. Now, we must add the serious threat of hijacking by suicidal maniacs to the already persistent risks of air travel, ranging from screaming babies all the way to the contaminated fish that causes eggs to develop in your mouth.
Unfortunately, Wesley Snipes is too busy purchasing gold jewelry to be present on every flight to implement his well-documented skills in thwarting air terrorism.
Risks aside, it is important for Americans to renew their faith in commercial air travel. Not only are planes essential to the convenience of modern transportation, the cabin of an airplane constitutes the only place in our society where it is completely acceptable to blow chunks in a paper bag, with the possible exception of the intersection between State and Gilman Streets.
While they should be working to alleviate the nation's fears, many of our elected officials are actually demonstrating absurd reactions to the increased sense of anxiety. For one thing, the vice president has spent much of the national crisis hidden in an undisclosed location away from important government buildings. In addition to ensuring the survival of the administration, this measure also protects Vice President Cheney from other potential sources of harm, such as exposure to direct sunlight.
While the isolation of the vice president might be somewhat understandable, the government has responded by placing limits on civil liberties, including the indefinite detention of immigrants and the expanded use of electronic surveillance.
Fortunately, since I have the privilege of being born in the United States, government agencies have yet to use wiretaps to uncover embarrassing tidbits about my personality, including my persistent habit of imitating flatulent noises with my armpit and then giggling like a schoolgirl.
Hopefully, people will eventually realize that surrendering to our phobias and abandoning our freedoms actually defeats the principles we are fighting to protect. Until then, I'll be curled up in the fetal position in a remote cave wearing a gas mask.
