With the conflict in Afghanistan continuing to build, there have been rumors that American Special Forces will soon have to be dispatched to the area. Or maybe I just haven't been paying attention, and this has already happened. Either way, I know that a group needs a leader. But who can be trusted with such an important mission?
Well, faithful readers, here in no particular order are my top candidates for leader of the American Special Forces.
Charles Bronson has a long history of military service, having been a highly-decorated soldier in World War II. He was part of an elite army unit assigned to a mass assassination of German officers, who were then captured and placed in a German prison camp. Though the camp was deemed \escape proof,"" Bronson, a tunnel expert, helped to dig an escape route out of the camp, allowing himself and several of his fellow POWs to make a break for freedom.
Even after escaping the camp, Bronson went back into regular service, ending his decorated military career at the Battle of the Bulge. As a side note, after World War II, Bronson returned to the States and took up a career as a professional ""cleaner."" And by ""cleaner"" I mean ""a man who kills people for money.""
Currently doing over 20 consecutive life sentences as a result of his many kill-crazy rampages inspired by the death of his wife, rape and death of his daughter, the death of his old friend, overdose death of his friend's daughter and the threatening of his fianc??e.
Served a tour of duty in Vietnam, where Norris was taken prisoner and spent 10 years in a POW camp. After escaping, he returned to the States, only to return to Vietnam years later to help search out other POWs the government had denied were still being held captive. He would then go on to be leader of the Delta Force, an elite group of soldiers specifically formed to combat terrorists. After leaving the Delta Force, he moved to Texas and became a Texas Ranger. He eventually left this profession to go live in the woods, and occasionally shape-shift into a huge grizzly bear.
Didn't I JUST SAY he turns into a BEAR? What if he eats the very troops he's supposed to be leading?
Despite the fact that he was not born in America, Arnold is still a strong contender for leader of the American Special Forces. He has extensive military knowledge, having served both in an Elite Commando Unit as well as being, until recently, a top-secret agent for the U.S. government. Schwarzenegger also has incredible survival skills, having lived in the wild for several years with only a loincloth and big boots. Finally, there is the fact that Schwarzenegger once fought the devil, meaning Osama bin Ladin would probably be a cakewalk.
Last time Arnold led a commando raid into hostile territory, an intergalactic killing machine showed up and slaughtered everyone in sight. It's probably best not to tempt fate again.
If I had more space I could go on at length about other candidates I had to eliminate, including Lee Marvin and John Wayne for being dead, but I'm out of space. So I'll just save you all the anxiety of having to wait til next week and announce who the leader of the American Special Forces should be.
Michael Dudikoff: American Ninja.
OUT!
