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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, April 23, 2024

Desperate measures for poor students

According to UW-Madison officials, this year's freshman class could be the largest ever, with over 6,000 freshly-scrubbed faces dutifully trudging off to overcrowded survey classes and boasting about their 'sophomore standing.' 




Well, good for them. I mean, sometimes the influx of new students can be a little annoying. After a nice, chill summer of cocktail parties and going to outdoor concerts at the Union, the streets are clogged with tube tops and the air is filled with the gentle sound of vomit hitting the ground from the fifth floor of Ogg. I am being unfair, of course, because these new students have a variety of talents and gifts and most of them are stuck in the dorms. 




Ah'the dorms. 




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When I moved out of the dorms, I swore to myself that I would never come back. The annoying supervision, the bland, deep-fried food and the 700 kids experimenting with various showering regimens were not things I ever thought that I'd miss. I was right'I don't miss any of it. But here I was sneaking into a dorm, of all places, on the night before my 21st birthday. So why was I so eager to return to the scene of so many quiet parties and drunk 18- year-olds urinating out of windows? Why, free food, of course. 




That's right, it was pizza night at the dorms, a sampling of all different kinds of pizza, and it was all free. And of course, one of the first things I learned in college was that free stuff is good stuff. Still, the situation made me a little nervous. I mean, some of those housefellows looked familiar, and the head of the building was there. Last time I saw him, I was nervously explaining that, no, I had nothing to do with all the vandalism that happened in my hallway. I thought he might remember me. 




A friend of mine, who's an old pro at this sort of thing (when we were freshmen, she dressed up and crashed a wedding at the Union for the free beer), walked right in and grabbed a plate. Nervously, I followed her and tried to hide myself in the mob of people. Despite some close calls, we made it.  




Oh, sure, spending one of the last nights of the summer in a crowded dorm may seem like a large price to pay for a few slices of pizza. I mean, no matter how empty your fridge is, there is always a way to get a little extra cash. No, not prostitution. Not waitressing, scavenging, fly-fishing, pro bowling or being an American Gladiator, either. And not any sort of 'real job,' because that would be lame.  




The answer, my friends, is medical testing. Apparently, there are people out there who will give you a great deal of money to take some little white pills that just might have all sorts of weird effects on your body. It's getting paid to go to a rave (but without the lights, music and dancing) and they even throw in meals!  




Between weddings, 'pizza nights,' and Madison's many fine drug-testing opportunities, you should easily be able to go through your entire college career without any sort of job. That has to be better than cleaning up vomit in the dorms. 

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