almanac

What I’m thankful for this year: Trump’s humble remarks, Joe Barton’s nudes and classic gluttony

Joe Barton pictured singing “You’re Welcome” to Congress concerning the release of his nudes.

Image By: Image Courtesy of Creative Commons - Gage Skidmore

Since spending the holiday of togetherness by driving for hours to be in a food coma the entire weekend with your uncle yelling obscenities over a football game is the best way, Thanksgiving is always a blowout. 

However, this year, the weekend festivities were filled with surprises. 

Not only did TIME Magazine offer the President the Person of the Year Award for the second year in a row, but the humble leader declined the offer in hopes that someone less fortunate could get it. 

“I see myself as a humanitarian. I’ve already won it, I don’t need it again. Give it to someone that would never get it on their own, like the Pope or Taylor Swift. They haven’t really achieved anything- think of it as a little confidence boost,” Trump said after he made his kind gesture public for all to see on Twitter.  

Now that the shoe-in winner is out of the race, the award is completely up for grabs. 

As if this declined offer wasn’t shocking enough, the American public was awarded with something we have all been waiting for: Texas Congressman Joe Barton — NAKED!! 

While the representative claims to be very embarrassed about the leaked pictures and is unsure of where they came from, many believe that this stunt was intentional and made to boost his ratings. After seeing it, we don’t blame him (;

Lastly, to ensure that this holiday weekend was complete, the American public indulged in complete and utter gluttony for three days straight. While only 5 billion dollars were spent online in 24 hours, the statistics for overall revenue from in-store Black Friday (or should we say, Black Wednesday-Sunday) have not been released yet, allowing for redemption. The Best Buy, Target, and Walmart lines did not disappoint, so I am sure that we topped last year’s total. 

Now that you have the recap of everything that mattered about this weekend, and treat yourself to some sweet potatoes and Cyber Monday deals, as you can never save enough money that you normally wouldn’t be spending!

I only wonder what surprises and treats Christmas break will bring for us this year. 

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

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