Cardinal looks to capture four-peat, make flag football great again

Sports Editor Tommy Valtin-Erwin is hyped to obliterate the inferior campus newspaper once again. 

Image By: Kaitlyn Veto

In an attempt to restore law and order to Vilas Park, The Daily Cardinal is back at it again Saturday, seeking to win its fourth flag football game in a row against The Badger Herald.

The young group of Cardinalistas has been training since last year’s epic 35-28 win to ensure that nobody questions their standing as Wisconsin’s oldest, independent (yes we are fully independent, feel free to look up the definition, Herald) and verified collegiate newspaper. More importantly, they are planning to make flag football and journalism great again.

“Journalism was always great for us, so I don’t really know why we need another football game to prove it,” Peter Coutu, who will not be in attendance after learning there are frogs at Vilas Park, said.

“When the Herald sends its people, they’re not sending the best,” State News Editor Andrew Bahlitics tweeted Wednesday at 3 a.m. “They’re sending people that have lots of problems who think they know how to win a flag football game. All talk, no action. Sad!”

Quarterback and former-MVP Ethan “I dress for success” Levy said he has spent the majority of the past year with a punching bag in an attempt to make sure the Herald’s Chris “I’m not relevant” Bumbaca doesn’t start a fight for the third straight year.

“It’s gotten to the point where I can’t enjoy the Hamilton soundtrack without hearing him punch a hole in the wall,” roommate and safety Ben “I’m from New York” Pickman explained before going back to a deep conversation with Ellie “the Cubs are going to win, I promise guys” Herman about the critically acclaimed musical.

Editor-in-Kombucha Theda Berry was seen downing bottles of a fermented but non-alcoholic drink after deciding to not partake in the chug-off this year.

“There were a few bottles that seemed kind of moldy, just like the Herald’s chances this year,” Berry said during an interview at Paul's Pel’meni, who offered an endorsement deal after her commentating skills surpassed those of Dodgers’ legend Vin Scully’s at last year’s game.

Editor-in-Douche Tommy Valtin-Erwin will take her place, which he hopes will not lead to an injury after breaking his thumb last fall.

“I figured if I hold the cup the right way and don’t spill anything, I can’t get hurt,” he said.

Amileah Sutliff, who is still learning the ins-and outs of flag football, said she is ready to destroy in the ensuing post-victory dance-off.

“Denzel and I are going to kill it this year,” Sutliff said. “At the softball game last spring I hit a ball with a stick, and football’s kind of the same.”

The Herald, meanwhile, has not been as enthusiastic about losing for the fourth-straight year.

“In 2012, I met with Republicans to figure out how we can both win four years from now,” Sports Editor David Hayes said. “Since we were all from Alabama, we ended up going from Mitt Romney to Donald Trump, so we know we’re going to lose badly.”

Other staff members from the Herald, all eight of them, declined to comment, as they were all still recovering from midterms that prevented them from playing during the Badgers’ bye week Oct. 8.

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