Almanac


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In the era of coronavirus nothing matters anymore, so why is it still so hard to win a stuffed animal from a claw machine?

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe. Catch a stuffed tiger by the toe. If he hollers, or if he doesn't, let him go. Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.


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Cardinalscopes: How you will contract coronavirus based on your sign

Scientists have recently uncovered evidence showing that contracting COVID-19 is highly dependent on zodiac sign. 


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Opinion: I was filing for unemployment weeks before it was cool

While most Americans were caught by surprise when the nation shut down to slow the spread of coronavirus, I was one of the few who saw it coming, and I acted.


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Evers: Illinois residents to be placed on each street corner as encouragement for Wisconsinites to stay inside

The Office of the Governor has proposed a creative solution to slowing the spread of Covid-19: placing Illinois residents on each street corner to encourage social distancing.


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Social media icon selflessly uses platform to raise nation's spirits, miraculously aiding worried souls with kind words through life-shattering pandemic

Social media influencer Karen McSmith singlehandedly eases worlds' troubles with her selfless contributions of uplifting social media content. 


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UW-Madison attempts to compensate for student unemployment concerns with Starship emotional support positions

Many students who have lost their opportunity to work due to the coronavirus pandemic are struggling; in a feeble attempt to address concerns, the university released a limited number of part-time summer positions titled “Starship Emotional Support.”


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Madisonians hope UW-Madison’s ‘party’ dorms will be the first converted into emergency overflow rooms

Coronavirus patients in Sellery could likely start a rousing game of beer pong using two half-empty cans of Natural Light laying underneath their beds. 


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Lockdown

"This lockdown will not last forever / This lockdown will certainly end"


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Coronavirus participated in the ‘until tomorrow’ Instagram challenge and it’s sups embarrassing

Sad, ugly coronavirus sheds a tear after reading millions of hate comments.


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Chad of the Sigma Chicken Pot Pie fraternity at UW-Madison contracts coronavirus

Chad McBrad, his boys and their newest Sigma Chicken Pot Pie Pledge, Covid-19. 


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Four walls


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Tom Brady social distances from New England Patriots, self isolates in Tampa Bay

Coronavirus pandemic forces Brady to social distance from the New England Patriots' roster.


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