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Tuesday, December 05, 2023

The Beet

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THE BEET

Pack of local children assault area man mistaken for ice-cream truck driver

Sep. 15, 2016

David Chandler, a 26-year-old Madison resident, was pulled from his sedan and beaten by a posse of hungry youngsters while driving down Wilshire Lane Tuesday. Janine Thompson, loving mother of one of the young’uns, witnessed the assault. “He was driving down our street playing the ice-cream song, the one that goes ‘dada-dum dum dee dee lada-dadadada,’ and my son Timmy, bless his soul, came inside asking for money.

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UW extends friendly reminder to fraternities to not kill any pledges this hazing season

By Dylan Anderson | Sep. 15, 2016

UW-Madison sent a cordial recommendation via email to every active fraternity member on campus Wednesday to refrain from accidentally or intentionally murdering any of their new pledging members. Adding that it would be really nice to avoid being embarrassed on a national level, the reminder mentioned that the university discourages hazing in any form but understands that it can sometimes be a necessary part of brotherhood. “Are guys going to get hurt?

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Scientists surprised to find perfectly habitable planet right under their feet

By Liam Hutchison | Sep. 15, 2016

Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have definitively concluded their search for a life-sustaining planet after realizing that Earth itself met all of their requirements with flying colors, deeming their intergalactic search redundant and, frankly, quite silly. According to research scientist Elisa Quintana, the real kicker is that,  given their own existence, they should’ve realized Earth is life-sustaining long, long ago. “Astonishing,” she says, “that we spent so many years in the lab ‘pouring over deep-space models, eating, defecating and making love’ without ever connecting their inherently lively activities to other biotic life right here on Earth.” “It’s like losing your glasses,” said Dr. Paul Hertz, director of NASA’s astrophysics division.

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SOAR to include new mandatory workshop: how to kick belligerent drunks out of your dorm room

Jun. 10, 2016

A result of past student feedback, this summer’s Student Orientation, Advising and Registration is mandating an hour-long workshop on practical solutions for dealing with late-night alcohol consumption in residence halls. Goading Inebriated Tramps to Orient Undertakings That-a-way (GIT-OUT), the debut SOAR workshop, is designed to tackle the future reality many burgeoning Badgers will face head-on: drunk people in their dorm room, potentially on either a weekend or a a school night. The workshop is designed with a simple, three-step lesson plan in mind, according to GIT-OUT coordinator Halls Banks. “The first step is empathy.

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Between the Sheets: How to have your hottest summer yet—the dirty deets

By Anna Welch | May. 3, 2016

Well sweet baby Badgers, it’s been another one for the books. What better way to procrastinate studying for finals than by reading about how to make summer of 2k16 the steamiest one yet?  First, like we all know from every summertime rom-com ever made, getting it on in the water is the sexiest, most summery thing we can do, and there is a 82 percent chance it will turn us all into actual merpeople.  Sexy as it may be, water can wash away our natural lubrication and actually make sex trickier.

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University reminds Russell Wilson not to recite entire Bible during commencement address

By Dylan Anderson | Apr. 28, 2016

The University of Wisconsin-Madison sent a friendly reminder to 2016 Spring Commencement speaker Russell Wilson Thursday asking him to refrain from reciting the entirety of the Holy Bible during his address. The current Seattle Seahawks quarterback and former Badger standout was not asked to leave Christianity out of his speech altogether, but merely to avoid reading all 1,281 pages of the Old and New Testament. “We know that Russell is a Christian, and we absolutely respect that,” UW-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank said.

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Locksmith misplaces key to wife’s heart

By Noah Mack | Apr. 28, 2016

Locksmith extraordinaire and aspiring romantic Gunnar Humboldt misplaced the key to his wife’s heart last night causing a rift in their relationship. The locksmith has been married to his wife Rachel for almost 20 years thanks to the handy key.

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Poll: Bascom Hill voted best hill on campus

By Hossein Rostam | Apr. 25, 2016

Bascom Hill cruised to victory in the annual heated and controversial Best Hill competition, drubbing all other prospective hills in a sweeping victory which crushed the hopes of millions looking to celebrate the merits of other inclines and precipices. “We’ve had enough of establishment hills, establishment knolls, and establishment protuberances,” claims one supporter, who went on to claim that the Bascom Hill campaign was only able to win due to connections with big money from UW.

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Between the Sheets: Not your nana's abstinence—sexy tips for students who don't have sex

By Anna Welch | Apr. 18, 2016

In case y’all missed it, last week was sexual health week around the country. Here at UW-Madison we had some dankass events including pole dancing lessons from Miss Pole, a Chimera self-defense class, the screening of the first ever feature-length documentary focussed entirely on masturbation called “Sticky” and even a sexual health carnival in Library Mall with games and hella free safer-sex supplies.

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