The Beet

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Out-of-state freshman to suspect that all other students’ hometowns are ‘just outside of Milwaukee’

It’s finally that time of year; freshmen are flooding the campus, football ticket prices are soaring, house fellows and TAs are dusting off their favorite icebreaker games, and students everywhere are attempting to make new friends.  In these first few weeks, these new students will be forced to participate in many icebreakers and answer get-to-know-you questions.

Trump blows off economic advisors, champions return to archaic, long-abandoned gold standard in 2017

“It makes sense,” President Trump tweeted Tuesday, amidst declarations of open aggression toward belligerent Southeast Asian nations and tirades against the NFL, “that our nation’s economy be centered around the most valuable metal around!” “He really likes the color gold,” a Treasury official said.

Indecent Exposure: Introduction

Anna Ayden suggested we write this like a Tinder bio and that makes me so nervous I can barely type.

UWPD app allows students to tweet their crime as it happens

In last week’s ASM meeting it was announced that the UWPD has partnered with Rave, a company that allows safety officials to respond more quickly to incidents, to create an app for UW students.

Rural Infitters contest winner to spend all expenses paid vacation in Rome

After launching the app anyway, despite various warnings and analyses that predicted imminent and irreversible financial disaster, Rural Infitters offered a promotional reward for their customers.

A Tamagotchi formerly in the possession of sophomore Abe Andon has issued a statement saying it has become self-aware and sworn a personal vendetta on its master. The drama began nearly ten years ago when Andon was in fourth grade.

Reform the Dictionary: mitigating disaster by language alteration

Ideas are powerful.  So powerful, in fact, that they have been the cause of countless ideological movements across the globe.  From the rise of fascism in Germany and communism in Russia in the early 20th century, to rise of the alt-right led by figures like Breitbart’s Steve Bannon right here on Main Street in the United States.  These movements, as evidenced by both the recent memories of the events in Charlottesville and the distant ones of what our forefathers invaded Europe to stop, can have life-altering consequences. Analyzing the effects that ideas — something that cannot even be seen nor physically touched — can have on society begs the question: where do ideas come from?  The answer is simpler than one may think; ideas stem from thoughts, and thoughts from words.  Words are just the invention of several cultures across the globe over time.  Used in various combinations, they form hundreds of languages for humans to not only interact with one another, but with themselves.

In response to Equifax hack, local man maxes out credit cards, claims identity theft

Within the last week, news broke that Equifax, one of the three companies in the U.S. that holds the financial information for every person in the country with credit, had been hacked.

Campus douche shocked to find that women no longer thrilled to hear his mediocre rendition of “Wonderwall”

Following the Badgers’ sweeping victory last Saturday, most of the student population could most likely be found in celebration, including junior Econ major and aspiring hipster Hugh Jass.

Student drops out for semester, blames UW-Net's current campus wide wifi-outage

In breaking news, UW-Madison freshman, Faye Lure has dropped out of classes for the semester, citing the outage of the university’s campus-wide wifi as the cause of her decision.

Electrical engineering major shoves banana in VCR... again.

Tensions have risen in recent days at the Gamma Delta Beta sorority house due to a malfunctioning VCR, and all sources point towards electrical engineering major Tom Bakerstaff as the culprit.

Mother Earth says “It’s getting hot in here,” begins to remove clothes

Ancient Greek Mythology states that on the Ides of September, when Hades throws a raging house party in his deathly domain, the kegs of ambrosia would be tapped, the bouncer would charge one gold piece per cup, and the heat would rise as the floor of molten magma filled the chamber with acrid fumes.

First assignment in engineering course syllabus just brags about class difficulty

Late Tuesday night every student enrolled in Mechanical Engineering 201: Introduction to Mechanical Engineering received an email from their professor with the class syllabus attached.

Man contests public urination charges, citing self-defense

Early Wednesday morning, Madison resident Holden W. Magroin was released from Dane County Sheriff’s Department after being arrested on Regent Street the previous night and charged with public intoxication as well as public urination.

Study finds immature behavior, vulgar language clinically linked to regular Monster energy drink consumption

Monster Energy has found itself under public scrutiny in recent days after a University of Wisconsin study released Friday established a correlation between excessive consumption of the energy drink and immature, verbally belligerent behavior. “Based on the parameters we have noticed,” a leading researcher at the University of Wisconsin said, “it is evident that mere exposure to the Monster Energy brand elicits an adverse reaction in some of the consumers, namely those who expose themselves to the accelerant and then engage in highly stimulating activities, such as video games.” The global sports drink brand, highly recognizable for its role in promoting action sports events like motocross, snowboarding and monster truck derbies, has come under global scrutiny in recent weeks for its links to adverse behavior among several professional video game athletes.

Hordes of optimistic pre-med freshmen strain expectations, consistently disappoint everyone

The number of students choosing the pre-med track has skyrocketed this September thanks to ball-busting pressure from parents and the false, fantasized day in a doctor’s life portrayed by Grey’s Anatomy (which was originally an anatomical textbook). However, this influx is misleading; the number of doctors who attended UW-Madison for their undergraduate education has little to no correlation to the number of students who are currently claiming they will be doctors.

Madison Coca-Cola plant deluged with Mentos in foiled terrorist plot

The Dane County Sheriff’s Department has declared a regional state of emergency for the neighborhood surrounding a Coca-Cola plant in Middleton after 48 cases of Mentos were found hidden within the manufacturing pipeline.

College is...

A buffer before you have to deal with “the real world” ? Three jobs and a full class load ? Vitally important to your future ? Somehow still a privilege not a right ? Easier than it used to be, so stop complaining ? Constructed by people who used to “have it hard” ? Too P.C. ? Not the place to talk about race, sex, or culture ? Pointless if you’re an English major ? Failing to teach people to write ? Pointless if you’re an arts major ? Failing to teach people to creatively solve problems ? Pointless if you’re a philosophy major ? Failing to teach students to think of the big picture ? A place to take risks, don’t be afraid of mistakes ? Hugely important, so don’t screw it up ? An opportunity to network for your career ? An opportunity for employers to get unpaid interns ? A good time to travel ? An unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a year ? A good time to start saving money ? An unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a year ? A good time to follow your passions ? An unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a year ? A place to make new interesting friends ? But don’t fall in with the wrong crowd ? A good time to figure what you want to do with your life ? Only supposed to last four years so hurry up and decide ? A good time to listen ? A good time to learn who, exactly, is worth listening to.

Darling so it goes

i like the ocean because of its rhythms there’s something about the tide that is comforting.

twentyfivepercentreported%

i want to hollow out the broken shards of myself that lurk behind my skin you scraped the insides of me with your dirty fingernails and then blamed me for bleeding.