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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, December 05, 2023

The Beet

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Almanac editor leaves position, embarks on intergalactic expedition in search of new species that like his writing

After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.


How to deal with having COVID-19 at home

If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.

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Word of effective COVID vaccine worries Wisconsinites

College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.


Op-ed: How come UWPD didn’t display any of my definitely-not-racist gifts in their office?

UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”

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Confused tourist racks up big hotel bill as he smashes all clocks in his room after clocks did not fall back as he expected

An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.

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