The day of reckoning for Donald J. Trump has finally arrived: This week the New York tyrant’s tax returns were released to the public and the Department of Justice is at last able to expose the scamming, cheating scum he really is.
Forced to come of age in an era characterized by near-ubiquitous economic insecurity, ecological catastrophe and the slow collapse of a once-hegemonic empire, UW junior Brett Brungle has decided to confront his bleak reality the only way he knows how to: start a podcast.
If you haven’t gotten tested for Coronavirus with the safer-badger app up until this point, you may have received an email from the university asking you to go.
There’s one thing Wisconsinites are feeling this week, and that’s hatred for Punxsutawney Phil. The infamous groundhog predicted 6 more weeks of winter, and with subzero temperatures rolling in this week, it is clear that the groundhog had insider knowledge.
In the midst of a record cold snap causing power outages and deaths across the country, some Americans with unmatched critical thinking skills are once again asking: How globe warming if cold outside?
For some, this weekend means roses, chocolate, dropping loads of money on dinners, and best of all: gifted squishmallows. Couples will be swept away by the spirit and whimsy of the holiday and enjoy themselves on intimate dates, relishing the one-on-one time that only COVID-19 can provide.
The Wisconsin Senate voted Tuesday to repeal the statewide mask mandate. If this mask mandate is abolished, Wisconsin will be joining a list of other memorable states without federal mask mandates. Gracing this list are Alabama, Oklahoma, Missouri and Nebraska, all states people spend their lives dreaming of visiting.
Any football fan who’s been paying attention the last 20 years knew exactly how this was going to go, even if they wouldn’t let themselves admit it.
Greek row was shaken from the Gamestop debacle
Coca Cola w/ Coffee - The product in question
Punxsutawney Phil sans mask
Joe Biden kicks back with constituents before grabbing his keys to go home.
MAGA rioters are blocked at the doors of Kappa Epsilon Gamma by both Chad and Brad after not making the list
In great Ancient Greece there lived a rabble rouser
In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.
It has been a disappointing past two weeks for Badger fans, to say the least. Some have been able to chalk it up to bad luck and a couple of questionable plays, but medical experts speculate that it could be much more consequential.
After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.
If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.
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Solutions by The State News
