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Groundhogs Day predictions: 6 more weeks of winter, detrimental climate change and a nonexistent end to the covid lockdown
By Gillian Rawling | Feb. 4, 2021Punxsutawney Phil sans mask
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President Biden’s Approval Rating Skyrockets After Legalizing Drunk Driving
By Nick Rawling | Jan. 28, 2021Joe Biden kicks back with constituents before grabbing his keys to go home.
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Things at UW-Madison that are harder to do than getting into the U.S. Capitol
By Em-J Krigsman | Jan. 28, 2021MAGA rioters are blocked at the doors of Kappa Epsilon Gamma by both Chad and Brad after not making the list
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Panasidis the Great
By Anupras Mohapatra | Jan. 28, 2021In great Ancient Greece there lived a rabble rouser
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Hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne that somehow further accentuates her jawline
By Jordan Simon | Dec. 10, 2020In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.
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Experts speculate that Covid-19 causes permanent brain damage after seeing Paul Chryst’s performance Saturday
By Gillian Rawling | Dec. 10, 2020It has been a disappointing past two weeks for Badger fans, to say the least. Some have been able to chalk it up to bad luck and a couple of questionable plays, but medical experts speculate that it could be much more consequential.
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Almanac editor leaves position, embarks on intergalactic expedition in search of new species that like his writing
By Jordan Simon | Dec. 10, 2020After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.
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How to deal with having COVID-19 at home
By Joe Rickles | Dec. 3, 2020If you’re like me right now, you’re spending your days in your twin-size childhood bed after a pair of unexpected positive COVID-19 tests. Yeah, you were safer than normal — read: stopped going to frat parties and bars — the last week you were in Madison, and you tested negative twice before coming back, but that goddamn baby that was bawling its eyes out from Chicago to Newark probably gave it to you. Stop crying and put a mask on you little shit.
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Word of effective COVID vaccine worries Wisconsinites
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 19, 2020College students and Wisconsin residents alike were shocked at the news of a vaccine being so close to approval this week. Many have concerns about the vaccine containing a chip for brain control, which is hard to believe considering so few Americans use their brains to begin with.
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Harbaugh says team has spent hours studying tape from Wisconsin game after bitter defeat
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.
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Op-ed: How come UWPD didn’t display any of my definitely-not-racist gifts in their office?
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 19, 2020UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”
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Confused tourist racks up big hotel bill as he smashes all clocks in his room after clocks did not fall back as he expected
By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020An unhinged tourist from a faraway land was found shaking violently in his hotel room, as broken glass was strewn all over the floor. There had been multiple murders — not of people, but of clocks. He sat there, looking ever so viciously at the damage he had done, slowly regaining his composure as hotel staff barged into his room, prepared for this moment by all the occasions they disregarded “Do Not Disturb” signs in their day-to-day work.
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Racism disappears from Madison completely Saturday morning
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 12, 2020Major news networks declared Joe Biden the winner of the 2020 presidential race this Saturday, and some residents are claiming it is the end of racism as we know it in Madison.
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Chime
By Anupras Mohapatra | Nov. 12, 2020My bed lamp was my only companion, as I sat in anticipation
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Trump Supporters call for statehood of Puerto Rico after losing electoral college
By Gillian Rawling | Nov. 5, 2020To everyone’s surprise, Joe seems to be doing extremely well — knock on wood. As the margin of victory grows wider and wider within the continental states, Trump is looking at another potential path to victory.
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List: Instances where counting all the votes is a bad thing
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party
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Trump campaign begins training litter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin
By Jordan Simon | Nov. 5, 2020Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.
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