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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, January 26, 2021

Almanac

Featured this week is a compelling and heartbreaking poem by Jessica Sullivan.
LIFE & STYLE

The Perks of Being a Mermaid

I’ve always wanted to be a mermaid.  Not for the sexy, mystical persona,  The slim figure sunbathing on a rock, nah,  I want to be a mermaid for the tail.  I want to swim into the waters that swallowed  My ancestors, feel my beautiful glistening tail Power through the waves, go back  Through time, meet all of those who left too soon.  I imagine when we die the earth enveloped us back  In its arms it made us mermaids,  Ethereal and magical.  I want to delve deep into the waters That we call home,  Swim up to Emmett Till as he was Before the lynching, a gorgeous black Boy with a tail that matched the color  Of the autumn leaves.  He’d welcome me home with the sun in his smile,  Ask if the world is better now.  How do I tell a boy who died in 1955  The trees still seep our blood,  That we’re in a losing race with bullets?  We’d swim together, water particles  Brushing our skin like we’re kindred spirits,  He’d show me the family I’ve never known. I’d play messenger for the unarmed black boys  Who want to tell their families they’re okay,  Now, there’s no to worry for our safety because  Who would shoot a mermaid? I can’t look at the water  Without seeing the ships, they’re calling me home, waiting to welcome me with open arms.  What can I say, I’ve always wanted to be a mermaid.


New bros embrace as a shocked onlooker realizes the country’s impending doom.
ALMANAC

Trump befriends 'Beautiful Ted' Cruz, bromance to ensure total governmental control

As Election Day approaches, President Donald Trump has been seen on the campaign trail, endorsing various like-minded right-wing candidates across the country. His goal? To give more time to candidates than former President Barack Obama did in 2010. After all, his painstakingly competitive nature remains necessary in order to maintain a total disregard for any bipartisan roles he might be expected to fulfill as the representative of an entire country. It may be that the common conspiracy is true: The first of Trump’s “ten commandments” as president is to solidify a republican majority, or, in his own terms, to push out the “angry, ruthless, unhinged mob” that is the democratic party.


ALMANAC

The Enabler

This free-form piece is the debut poetic work of writer and editor Sam Jones. Sam is a sophomore in the Journalism School studying reporting and strategic communication.


ALMANAC

Concrete Roses

This powerful prose piece is the debut creative work of writer Kellen Sharp. Kellen is a freshman studying communication arts with hopes of double majoring in journalism.


Pictured here are some of the lesser-scoring results from the Political Science department’s poll on what is causing all misfortune in the world.
ALMANAC

New study finds that fracking and immigrants are the reason for everything bad

It’s blatantly obvious that the public education system is built around rationality and prioritization, so it is no shock that a recent study conducted by UW’s Political Science Department was focused around those very topics. The study was sent out to everyone on campus that identified themselves as watching or reading the news at least once a year.


A local newly-superior mallard aspires to be the scourge of humanity.
ALMANAC

Ducks exploit the fruits of climate change while conspiring to overthrow humanity

With Lake Mendota water levels on the rise, the ducks of Madison are now floating higher than ever: despite the misfortune brought on by the recent algaeplague found in the waters of their summer home, the ducks embrace climate change’s gift of an elevated eye level. Whether they find themselves closer to a concert on the terrace or to the breadcrumbs of an unsuspecting child, it is quite plausible that these waterfowl are gaining a new confidence. 


Linda Johnson anxiously checks her Facebook page for likes and comments from her almost middle-aged female friends.
ALMANAC

Local Facebook mom goes viral after posting Langdon Bid Day woes

Ah, Bid Day. Hordes of sorority sisters traveling, speaking, singing, and dancing in impenetrable packs: what’s so scary about that?  However, the glory of the over-enthusiastic and estrogen-fueled Bid Day for campus sororities was less than enjoyable for Linda Johnson, a concerned mother, essential oils dealer, organic tomato grower, and avid Facebook user.


ALMANAC

Soaked

"Soaked" is a rousingly introspective creative and metaphorical piece, offering a unique outlook on the significance of dreams by writer Ayomide Awosika.


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