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(04/27/17 12:30pm)
Madison-based startup company Squared revealed a cutting-edge innovation Monday which promises to disrupt the automotive industry on a scale unforeseen since Henry Ford unveiled the Model T in 1908. The new wheel is designed to optimize a number of inefficiencies and setbacks in the conventional wheel design, some of which harken back to the advent of the wheel itself in the Neolithic Age.
(04/27/17 12:00pm)
In a story that continues to develop amid controversy, local bar owner Ray Blando has been overheard referring to popular hip-hop tracks as “black people music.” Students on the scene report that he continued to say, “Future and Migos bring an atmosphere that, while lit, could bring a far more inclusive party environment to our establishment, and that’s something we are not yet comfortable with.”
(04/13/17 11:16am)
It may soon be legal to hunt big game from helicopters as a result of the recent Senate overturn of Obama-era hunting restrictions on national wildlife refuges in Alaska. If President Donald Trump signs the bill, the proposal will become a law.In recent days the Alaska Fish and Game service has confiscated shipments of anti-helicopter homing missiles destined for bear preserves, raising the stakes for an aerial confrontation between recreational hunters in the air and native Alaskan grizzly bears on the ground. “The bear population has a right to defend itself,” a masked insurgent said, in a grainy video posted to the media-sharing site LiveLeak. “And we claim full responsibility for supplying the bears with these tools of liberation.” Evolutionary biologists have hailed the new action as a forward-thinking move to counter the rapidly evolving field of speciation. If the grizzlies can fight back against airborne hunters, the naturalists suggest the field will be more evenly matched—and more conducive to biological natural selection. “If you need an aerial advantage and a semi-automatic firearm to kill an animal, you really shouldn’t be calling yourself a hunter,” Dick Cheney said. “Thankfully, in a helicopter, all of the hunting buddies will be condensed in one place, which reduces the risk of accidents.” The Fish and Game service has ordered parts of the parks to be sealed off where bears have been sighted, as the machinery poses a threat even though it is unlikely that the bears have figured out how to operate the homing launchers.“Tourism revenues have soared,” a parks department official said. “We tried confiscating the new weaponry, but, well ... they’re bears, so we couldn’t. So we’re just counting on the probability that the bears won’t be able to figure out how to bring down the helicopters when the hunters arrive.” Analysts have speculated that the surge in tourism revenues is correlated with the arrival of the missile launchers in Alaska. The tourists, they predict, will be expecting to see at least one aerial confrontation between the native wildlife and helicopter-mounted hunters this calendar year.“If we don’t see at least one matchup, we’ll be disappointed,” a teenage tourist, wearing a Memphis Grizzlies jersey, said at Alaska’s Anchorage International Airport. “We’re for the bears all the way.”
(04/06/17 12:00pm)
A study released by UW-Madison’s Psychology Research Division has outlined a network of patterns linking the popular social media application Snapchat to a nationwide surge of unexplained injuries, most of which involve either hyperextension of the arms or traumatic impacts with bystanders, furniture and inanimate objects in the street.According to experts, the application promotes the extension of outstretched arms into high-traffic areas such as hallways, elevators, escalators and particle accelerators. Experts cite telescopic ‘selfie sticks’ as only adding to the mayhem, as the three-foot aluminum rods exacerbate the potential for catastrophic, albeit hysterical, injuries.“I can’t say the best crash I’ve seen,” a security guard at Disney’s Animal Kingdom said. “This one jogger went full-speed into this mom’s arm as she was Snapchatting her eight-year-old trying to climb the Tree of Life. The mom was fine. The jogger got a concussion. The kid thought it was hilarious.”Reports of Snapchat injuries have extended into medical school curricula, where students and postdocs are being taught proper procedure for hyperextended arms as a result of Snapchat selfies.Epic’s cutting-edge medical software system has even added a new category for collision injuries of this type, known confidentially as MORON_2.“There is some interesting data backing up the assertion that low IQ scores are correlated with excessive, public use of Snapchat,” Snapchat researcher Holden McGroin said. “These accidents, along with the several close calls we’ve seen in public spaces and near roadways, are obvious signs that Snapchat is a driving factor in the dangerization of mobile applications.”Reports of bystanders being stiff-armed by unwary Snapchatters have been in circulation since the application’s advent on Stanford University’s campus in 2011, but the explosion in complaints has led researchers to investigate whether other issues have contributed to the surge in Snapchat-related injuries.“There’s a clear correlation,” an associate professor at UW-Madison said. “You have an application which requires an outstretched arm to take a good picture at a distance. Combine that with the constant need to take these pictures, the location where the pictures might be taken and the traffic patterns around the person taking these pictures, the chances for a collision just go … well … skyward.”When asked for an interview via phone, 26-year-old Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel took few questions.“Snapchat is meant to connect people,” Spiegel said. “But not like this.”
(03/30/17 11:00am)
President Donald Trump’s new executive order was applauded by anti-life advocates as an effective means by which to end all life on earth by 2050. The new form outlines an ultimatum for an environmental global extinction event through agricultural devastation, climate crisis and the destruction of existing natural resources. Ideally, the text reads, the global extinction events which will bring about the end of most multicellular life-forms on earth should occur by 2040, if not by 2050.The executive order aims to curb the existence of all life on Earth by rolling back fuel emissions standards on cars, re-fossilizing the American power grid and slashing funding for the agency responsible for ensuring the safety of the environment.The conditions of the bill are expected to take effect just quickly enough to speed the spread of scorching droughts, cataclysmic coastal flooding and widespread natural disasters. The order aims to trigger a mass extinction event before 2050, just 25 years after the goal period of the Paris Climate Accord had passed into memory.“We don’t believe that the environment plays a factor in the function of our modern economy. People are not a species, and therefore cannot go extinct,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said in a briefing. “Extinction only happens to lame species, like dinosaurs and trilobites.” White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon added that “this planet would probably be better off with all of us gone.”The tactics used from several of Trump’s policies, including a brash disregard of the scientific data displaying a clear rise in temperatures over the last half-century as a direct result of human carbon emissions, are justified by the rejuvenation of antiquated and industrially inferior coal-mining operations in states like West Virginia. Dragging the sustainability of our economy backwards, Spicer claims, is worth the short-term nationalistic appeal.“People are clearly not a species threatened by planetary destruction,” White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said. “The only animals that need the oceans clean are slow and stupid, like the killer whale with the crooked fin from ‘Blackfish.’”Bannon added, “I never was a fan of camping. Better with the forest gone.”
(03/09/17 12:00pm)
The impending repeal of the Affordable Care Act, known colloquially as Obamacare, was largely cited by critics as having the potential to harshly impact the sectors of the American population who would not otherwise be covered by health insurance. Republicans, as of Tuesday morning, seem to have found a solution—in a two-physician Walgreens clinic, which has now been tasked with the immense responsibility of caring for all of America’s uninsured.“The resources and staff of the walk-in Walgreens clinic should be sufficient to care for the healthcare needs of the nineteen million Americans who will be abandoned by their health insurance providers,” Ben Carson said. “It appears to be a skimpy, but adequate, solution.”The walk-in clinic, located in Tulsa, Okla., is a 258-mile drive from Dallas, a 269-mile drive from Kansas City, and a 107-mile drive from Oklahoma City, the three major population centers in the greater region. The Walgreens clinic is staffed by two doctors and is open from eight-thirty in the morning through one-thirty in the afternoon.“With a 15-minute waiting time, on average, the new Walgreens clinic in Tulsa is our most effective strategy in combating the premium hikes that working Americans have seen under the Affordable Care Act,” an architect of the Affordable Care Act replacement bill said.“The Affordable Care Act is rapidly collapsing, and we need to ensure that we engineer a suitable replacement to fulfill the medical needs of the American populace,” Paul Ryan said in the unveiling address of the replacement bill. “It is clear that the Walgreens clinic provides our best option, and the most accessible option, to bring the best health care possible to the American people.”“It is evident to me,” President Obama said, while on a kitesurfing vacation with Richard Branson in the British Virgin Islands, “that a two-man Oklahoma quack shack will not have the horsepower to care for almost twenty million people who will be simultaneously abandoned by their insurance.”Republican pundits cheered on the measure, with several affirming long-standing party beliefs that Obamacare should not be replaced at all.“Those left-leaning varmints got doctors,” a Texas congressman said. “That’s good enough!”
(03/02/17 12:43pm)
Mifflin Street has been closed to the public and largely sealed off from reporters and press after a group of juvenile silverback gorillas escaped containment at the controversial Harlow Center for Biological Psychology—more commonly known as the Primate Lab—and utterly trashed the rental properties on Mifflin Street a full two months before tradition dictated they be trashed during the Mifflin Street Block Party.“We were not aware of the presence of these gorillas on our campus,” an assistant dean of the Psychology Department said. “And we are taking appropriate action to remedy the situation. The apes are being disciplined as we see fit.”Eyewitness accounts describe a riotous scene, with the gorillas raiding refrigerators, flipping tables, punching holes through drywall and beating their chests atop the roofs of the rental properties to establish their dominance over new territory.“They drank our entire supply of Absinthe,” a junior girl affiliated with Greek Life said. “There’s nothing left for our banger on Thursday night.”“What a bunch of party animals,” a fraternity brother living on Mifflin Street quoted. “They’re invited to our next rage, guaranteed.” Landlords were concerned with the level of damage to their rental properties, as well as the absence of concern displayed by the tenants as the apes ravaged their homes. “They were cheering the gorillas on,” a police deputy said. “We had begun to tranquilize them, and the crowds of college kids became upset whenever a gorilla got hit by a dart. It’s like they were looking forward to seeing the gorillas smash something else, and throw it onto the street.” The Madison Fire Department worked through the night to clear the debris cluttering the street, as destroyed tiki bars, splintered beer pong tables and shattered bottles of hard liquor rendered much of the roadway impassable into the early afternoon.“If only we had been there to see the whole thing happen,” a firefighter said, as he cleared a Bucky Badger-shaped beer pong table from the debris. “That looked lit.” The Primate Lab declined a request to comment.
(02/23/17 12:00pm)
Steve Bannon’s role as Senior Advisor to the President of the United States was briefly halted when the visiting former POTUS challenged Bannon to a pickup game of one-on-one basketball. Bannon reluctantly accepted and was dunked on in full view of his White House staff.The echoes from the apocalyptic monster jam reverberated across the hardwood court behind the White House and over the fence onto Pennsylvania Avenue.“Tourists were asking if they were moving furniture inside the White House,” a Front Lawn security officer said. “We could hear the game from the street.”The line of Secret Service Agents watching the game while seated upon a bench in the courtyard erupted following the poster dunk, with some jumping in the air and others shouting in an animated, crazed fashion while swinging gym towels above their heads.“The reaction of the Secret Service agents present at the game was very much like a team’s bench in college basketball,” a leading sports analyst said. “It was one of the better bench reactions I have seen.”Reporters present at the event noted that Obama abandoned strategy entirely following the first few minutes of the game, choosing instead to steal the ball when Bannon possessed it and lob practice shots from the half-court line.“Obama literally broke his ankles at one point,” a reporter said. “He pulled this crazy, through—the legs fake, and Bannon just sort of—went sprawling.”Our chief strategist performed wonderfully during a basketball game yesterday,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said in the next morning’s press briefing. “He pulled skilled moves on the former POTUS, who he soundly defeated after a game-winning three-point shot.”A Secret Service agent keeping score confirmed that the game was 41-3 in Obama’s favor at the end of regulation.President Obama allowed few questions after the game and was allegedly unimpressed with Bannon’s performance on the hard court.“If he really does want to watch the whole system ‘crashing down around him,’ he’s going to need to step up his game.”
(02/09/17 12:00pm)
During a scheduled military rally in Pyongyang Friday, an unexpected turn of events resulted in a live ballistic missile falling off a trailer in the middle of the street, halting the parade and sending Kim Jong-Un into a frenzy. Unsanctioned photos from the event show the Supreme Leader stamping his feet, throwing his hat and engaging in a belligerent, world-class temper tantrum.“Considering the structural flimsiness of the defense program in general, it’s not surprising that the missile fell off the carrier,” a leading physicist for the U.S. Department of Defense, said. “After some video analysis, we determined that the ballistic thrusters were fabricated from spray-painted Legos, and the chassis of the rocket was stuffed with newspaper.”North Korean science programs have faltered in recent years, as one-third of the education of every North Korean student goes toward absorbing the achievements, accomplishments and made-up propaganda regarding their Supreme Leader.The missile rolled off the trailer at approximately 1:49 p.m. (UTC+08:30), and broke in half, stopping the entire mile-long convoy of North Korean troops, vehicles and propaganda banners. The ensuing traffic jam was reported to have taken six hours to clear, as soldiers tried unsuccessfully to confiscate a tide of forbidden smartphones snapchatting the bedlam.“The missile fell off the trailer, and just kind of broke open,” an American observer witnessed. “There were newspapers flying all over the place, and people were going crazy, trying to catch them and read them … Kim Jong-Un was throwing chairs.”Reports have confirmed that the rocket was stuffed with copies of The Onion, The Daily Cardinal and The Wall Street Journal. The Cardinal seeks to pursue improper use charges against the nation-state of North Korea for misuse of its periodical.“The Supreme Leader was really upset about the attendance at his latest inauguration,” a North Korean press envoy said in an address to the press. “We will get our numbers up and show the world the strength of North Korea.”
(02/02/17 12:00pm)
President Donald Trump signed into law Wednesday the latest in his administration’s flurry of executive orders, calling for the immediate erection of a space wall between the upper stratosphere and lower magnetosphere. The project, known as the American Orbital Defense Directive, consists of flying one trillion tons of concrete, limestone and sand into the atmosphere via space shuttle and releasing it, allowing gravity to ‘hold it in place.’ “Science isn’t really a thing anymore, so we’re confident that the sun will continue to nourish and enrich our crops even when it’s obstructed by this gargantuan new wall,” Sean Spicer said in an address to the press. “Our security against extraterrestrial threats is an absolute priority.” “The definitive upsides of this project outweigh the negatives, including the total obstruction of naturally occurring sunlight photosynthesized by American agriculture,” Reince Priebus said. “We apologize for nothing here.” Steve Bannon was also optimistic, “People do better in the darkness, anyways.”Reports have stated that the order was motivated by a series of movies marathoned by the president on late-night cable television, namely “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” “War of the Worlds” and “Signs.”The move is consistent with the administration’s zero-tolerance stance on refugees and illegal aliens, as the definition includes blue, viscous space cretins in UFOs blundering into our atmosphere.“This is ridiculous,” an employee at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral said, as he looked over the blueprints for the proposed project. “These engineers want to fly a trillion tons of limestone and concrete into our upper atmosphere, pour it out and hope it doesn’t fall back down to Earth and make a colossal crater.” Other opponents of the project cite the engineering infeasibility, strategic irresponsibility and financial recklessness of the initiative, among other points, as reason to halt the directive.At press time, the White House Situation Room was in the midst of deliberations on the construction of new walls encircling man-made islands in the South China Sea, separating former Soviet satellite nations from Western Europe, and fully encapsulating Detroit.
(01/17/17 12:00pm)
The objective of the new Parker Brothers game, which retails for $49.99, is personal gain. Each player begins in a separate city, and from there they embark on risky—and opulently expensive—construction projects. In New York, viable properties range from the Chrysler building to the Flatiron Building, while across the country in San Francisco, Lombard Street and Alcatraz Island graciously accept nine-figure bids for players to contract, develop and build to the skies.Players aim to develop their properties to unreasonable lengths, with the ultimate goal of making as immense an impact on the regional skyline as possible. When landmarks of historic value are destroyed in the process, extra points are awarded and players move ahead in the game. The winner is declared when the final skylines are compared, and the player with the largest environmental and sociological footprint is crowned champion.Adding a fun twist to a classic game, the Deutsche Bank Creditors appear if an 11 is rolled via the twin dice. White Collar Cards can be used when Creditors attempt to collect a player’s debts. Players have the option to litigate Deutsche Bank to extend their playing time, although this move hinders construction projects and puts players behind in their game. Rolling an 11 to unleash Deutsche is the most detrimental move in “Monopoly: Real Estate Con Artist,” and should be averted if possible.Players collect Reputation Cards, which gauge public opinion. Reputation Cards are collected when players take out self-promoting advertisements in local newspapers, and are lost when Creditors are litigated and contractors are left underpaid or without pay at all. Reputation Cards, along with White Collar Cards, are the most important mechanic in the game aside from the construction itself.The game provides a fascinating new look at modern American business culture and the hilariously lackadaisical attitude of the regional real estate authorities toward ludicrously wealthy individuals who do whatever they desire—because much like a belligerent, petulant real estate meteorite might descend on New York City, the winner is the player who leaves the largest impact.
(12/01/16 12:00pm)
American golf enthusiasts rejoiced Friday after Donald Trump’s transition team announced an agenda to rebuild the state of Florida. The proposal, known as “Drain the Swamp,” includes provisions to demolish low-income neighborhoods, stabilize swampland through large-scale casino construction efforts, and to build a goliath, 42-million-acre golf course encompassing the entire state.“Hopefully, our plans are widespread enough to cover the entire state of Florida,” incoming Chief of Staff Reince Priebus said. “We wouldn’t want to leave any key spots undeveloped.”The state of Florida measures 65,755 square miles in area, or just over 42 million acres of land. Trump’s plan, as outlined by Priebus, would demolish every man-made structure in Florida to make room for the new green.“We have buildings,” Trump announced, “standing in the way of our movement. They are badly built. They are built by illegal labor.”Critics of the proposal call it “ludicrous,” that the entire state of Florida would be overhauled for a recreational golf course, but its pundits cite economic traffic and tourist revenue as clear plus-sides of such a project.“When you look at economic activity,” a White House advisor said, “it’s clear that the average tourist needs an incentive to move inland from the beaches at Sarasota and Bradenton on the West Coast or Delray and Daytona on the East. The center of this state isn’t getting any attention at all.”“The golf course is going to drive revenues up state-wide,” Priebus said. “We predict a 270 percent growth in stateside GDP, and a 70 percent reduction in the unemployment rate by November of 2019.”The finalized project would involve the (forced) relocation of all 19.9 million Florida residents, the complete drainage of the Everglades National Park and the importing of 643 million pounds of unadulterated Chinese sod. When asked about the challenges the residents of Florida would have to face during the construction of the golf course, Priebus was nonchalant.“It’s business,” he said casually. “They’ll learn to play the game.”
(11/09/16 12:00pm)
WASHINGTON—Election officials are calling this year’s election a “heart-stopper” after Mitt Romney’s GOP team clinched a regulation victory over Barack Obama and the Democratic Party.
(10/20/16 11:00am)
The UW rowing team annonced they would re-enact The Battle of Salamis, an epic ancient naval battle.
(10/13/16 11:00am)
The IntelliTech convention in Palo Alto, Calif., was alive with wonder. Startups from Silicon Valley, Seattle, Portland, Los Angeles and beyond had congregated for days to network, trade ideas and pitch their groundbreaking innovations.
(10/06/16 11:00am)
The SERF, slated for demolition May 1, has been zoned for a new recreational facility. Construction on the structure is planned for early 2017. The Office of the Governor announced, in an address to the state Legislature Oct. 3, that Madison’s city council has pitched a bid to build a towering statue of Gov. Scott Walker in place of the old facility.
(09/29/16 11:00am)
The Parliament of Great Britain voted, in a sudden measure Sept. 26, to leave the European continent. This measure follows the sovereign nation’s departure from the European Union, which was decided by popular vote in a referendum on June 23 of this year.