Almanac Animal Review: Domestic Cat
Domestic Cat at a glance:
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Domestic Cat at a glance:
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Complete and total smokeshow, lacks many humanlike traits.
Indie rock singer and devout Christian Andrew Hozier-Byrne is reportedly sick of asking for rides to his local church, “Faith Church for the Hip of Heart.”
Mr. Alfred Manac
Leonardo DiCaprio woke up from a long and luscious slumber early this morning to his fake golden statue, still blissfully unaware that the award is the result of a very complex and well-planned inception.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Disgusting, horrendous middle finger, some crazy eyes that have seen some crazy shit, Bernie Sanders hair, satellite-dish ears that pick up ESPN.
Dark
Chad Trent, recent grad of Harvard University and current Wall Street banker, loaned out his soul at an adjustable subprime rate around 11 a.m. Sunday, right after mass.
The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Just a regular monkey, nothing too crazy here.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Flexible back, weirdly bony back, cinnamon roll-like back, funky-looking back, really odd back.
1. Mispronouncing your mother’s name. It’s And-rea, not An-drea.
Prosperity and joy were felt around the world this morning after God, creator of the heavens and the earth, remembered his cell phone passcode following a multi-millennia lockout.
Late Friday night, Joaquín Guzmán, aka “El Chapo” drew his third consecutive get out of jail free card in a heated game of Monopoly, to the outrage of his opponents.
Kangaroos at a glance
January 3rd, 2008: Riveting race for Iowa caucus
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Lil Fickle Pickle, rapper extraordinaire, dropped his highly anticipated mixtape, “Sexy Radish Jams,” somewhere in between his main home in Manhattan and his summer home in Hong Kong at some point last month.
Brandon Dunbar, recluse from northern Wisconsin and expert live action role player, was found guilty of murdering Lacie Pinkerton early Sunday morning, resulting in his sneak points decreasing from 98 to 93.
Hipster artist Luke Johnson renounced the physical realm late Monday evening, resulting in a massive plummet in sales for the offbeat painter in large part due to his signature blank paintings.