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(03/02/17 12:41pm)
SAN DIEGO—The streets of San Diego were teeming last weekend as attorneys from across the country united behind a valuable cause: the rock band U2’s upcoming album, How to Reassemble an Atomic Bomb. Coming hot off the heels of their forcibly circulated 2014 release, Songs of Innocence, this upcoming album has garnered a moderate amount of support worldwide. Much of this support originated from the California-based legal organization, Lawyers for the Promotion of Irish Rock Singers.“The opening bit of “Where the Streets Have No Name,” practically got me through law school,” said one Midwestern attorney who made the trek out to California. “When Bono finally comes in on the vocals I get shivers every time.”“I haven’t missed one of these album release things since Joshua Tree,” said Tessa Gonzalez, a public defender from San Bernardino. “There’s just no better place to talk law, talk music and bow down thrice daily to Bono, the God and founder of modern rock music.”San Diego police chief Shelley Zimmerman said that despite the manageable size of the gathering, it’s typically one of the department’s most avoided events to control. “Something about the argumentative nature of the crowd and the constant drone of smarmy, grandiose rock music tends to rub our officers the wrong way,” Zimmerman said. According to their press statement, U2’s next album will be released sometime within the next two months, at which point Bono will hand-deliver a vinyl copy of the album to every home, apartment and fishing shanty across the globe, whether or not anyone wants it.
(12/08/16 12:00pm)
Citing its crisp, hoppy flavor and innately superior coloration, American white nationalists, commonly known as the “alt-right” (and most accurately known as neo-Nazis) declared Tuesday that American pale ale is the official beverage of choice for those wishing to undermine establishment politics and reinstate a dominative American master race. Richard Spencer, a prominent white nationalist and long-time pale ale drinker, spoke to The Daily Cardinal following the announcement. “This country was founded on the principles of Caucasian liberation and crisp, light-colored beers. We’ve since witnessed a sickening digression toward a multicultural national identity and a country-wide bar scene marred by darker brews like Oatmeal Stout and Belgian Porters,” Spencer said. “It is time for this nation to change. Hail cascade hops! Hail pale ale!” Sierra Nevada Brewing Company, a popular brewery among racists and non-racists alike, was pleased to have its pale ale appreciated on a national scale, but voiced some skepticism about the association with white supremacy. “We at Sierra Nevada really don’t see color,” said Ken Grossman, owner and founder of the company. “We dream of a world where beers will not be judged based on their color or complexion, but by the content of their character.”Across the country, those who oppose white supremacy have been protesting the movement and supporting people of color by boycotting pale ales of all types.Near press time, a group of right-wing dairy farmers was spotted protesting the decision, claiming that 2 percent milk would’ve made for a more representative beverage.
(11/09/16 12:00pm)
WASHINGTON STATE—Despite the widespread celebration of President Barack Obama’s re-election last night, one notable cabinet member, Hillary Diane Meriwether Jehoshaphat Rodham Clinton, was far too busy to spend the evening clinking drinks.
(09/15/16 9:59pm)
Scientists at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration have definitively concluded their search for a life-sustaining planet after realizing that Earth itself met all of their requirements with flying colors, deeming their intergalactic search redundant and, frankly, quite silly.
(04/25/16 11:00am)
1. The day before the rally, gather 10-20 strong-willed friends with sturdy gastrointestinal tracts. Make sure they’re OK triggering reverse peristalsis in the name of justice.
(04/11/16 11:00am)
The library was nearly empty when it happened, save for a few caffeine-fueled souls fighting their way through last-minute essays and cramming for exams. I myself was in no state to be awake, much less to be studying, but nonetheless there I was, trying to put the finishing—make that the starting—touches on a paper of my own.
(04/04/16 11:00am)
1. Penises are not quite the same as baseball bats.
(03/31/16 11:00am)
Following the Catholic tradition of priests washing the feet of their followers, Meryl Kilgore, a life-long Catholic, expressed her frustration with the low-quality foot bath she received from the Pope.
(03/28/16 11:00am)
Mr. Alfred Manac
(03/11/16 12:00am)
Trevor McIntyre, 33, of Fond du Lac, Wis., was pulled over and issued a DUI late Wednesday night after his vehicle was spotted swerving wildly on State Highway 41. This was McIntyre’s third drunk driving citation.
(03/07/16 12:00pm)
Dark
(02/08/16 12:00pm)
1. Mispronouncing your mother’s name. It’s And-rea, not An-drea.
(01/25/16 12:00pm)
Kangaroos at a glance
(01/25/16 12:00pm)
January 3rd, 2008: Riveting race for Iowa caucus
(01/20/16 6:35pm)
Are you a syllabus week champion capable of getting five squares in a row, column or diagonal? If you succeed, contact The Daily Cardinal to receive your prize! (Don't actually do that, there is no prize. Apart from contentment, which is the greatest prize of all.)
(12/03/15 5:25pm)
After seeing the most recent film about the life and career of Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, software pioneer and co-founder of Microsoft, is absolutely ecstatic about the biographical films he expects to come out about him after he dies.
(11/23/15 1:11am)
Despite his throbbing headache and mildly upset stomach, UW sophomore Jeremy Davenport told Cardinal reporters that the name and ID portion of his economics exam actually went pretty well.
(11/19/15 6:38am)
While America’s role in the worldwide refugee crisis continues to be an issue of contention among politicians, Canadian leaders acted swiftly Wednesday with the release of an official statement: “At this time we believe it is in Canada’s best interests to prevent asylum-seeking Americans from entering our country. It’s not personal, but it’s simply too hard to be sure American refugees wouldn’t endanger Canadian people.”
(11/09/15 1:01am)
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(10/30/15 12:02am)
Mostly due to increased policing, Freakfest has become rather subdued and almost exclusively stab-free in recent years. As a result, local man Darrell Fingus has vowed to skip the annual event until he feels that his once-sufficient chances of being stabbed have been restored.