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(09/10/20 2:00pm)
In a typical semester, the Humanities Building Minotaur, Pete McChompsalot (A.K.A. Sir Chompsalot, AKA. Peter the Student Eater, AKA. 2Chompz), has a full schedule ripping arms and biting heads off of all the lost students of Humanities who cross his path on the third floor. However, since the onset of the coronavirus pandemic which forced the majority of classes to go online, McChompsalot has been severely starved for activity.
(09/10/20 2:00pm)
Controversy has mounted recently in response to a tweet by Starship robot F13G78A2, who simply goes by Helen. After tweeting — and then deleting — a post on Thursday which read “Starship Lives Matter,” many have spoken out saying that the tweet was offensive and inappropriate.
(04/28/20 12:19am)
Whether it’s by the women’s restroom at Dave & Buster's or tucked away behind the electronic dart board at your local pizza restaurant, the claw machine continues to be the bane of human existence. It is indiscriminate. Regardless of race, class or religion, the claw machine will stare you down and assert its almighty dominance.
(04/24/20 10:52pm)
Due to the global coronavirus pandemic, Dean of Students Lori Berquam wasn’t the only one saying “don’t go” to Mifflin this year. Governor Evers got in on the action by passing the "Safer at Home" order which prohibits public gatherings until May 26th. Of course, that didn’t stop the most ‘murican of Americans from descending on Madtown for the occasion.
(04/23/20 4:09pm)
(04/21/20 3:27pm)
Nothing makes a Wisconsinite’s skin crawl more than a goddamn FIB (Fucking Illinois Bastard) cutting across four lanes of traffic while eating a deep-dish pizza so you can stare at the Chicago Bears decal and license plate border on the back of their compact sedan. FIBs are to Sconnies as treadmills to Chris Christie.
(04/25/20 2:33am)
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
(03/30/20 11:10pm)
As of Monday, the Democratic Party announced that they will no longer use superdelegates to nominate a candidate for the general election. Rather, in order to interfere with the process of selecting a Democratic nominee, the party will instead force the candidates to play each other in a game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots — a method far less obvious and intrusive than giving high-ranking party officials the opportunity to nominate a candidate potentially over the veto of the voter base.
(03/21/20 9:05pm)
TAMPA, Fla. — As of this past week, it was confirmed that Tom Brady is social distancing from the New England Patriots, meaning that team members will now only be able to digitally slap him on the ass after a good play. After 20 seasons and six Super Bowl wins with the franchise, a coronavirus pandemic is what it took to finally end Brady’s time with the Patriots.
(03/12/20 1:00pm)
For a band that openly rejects genre labels, Railroad Earth brought just the type of musical versatility they advertise during their show at The Sylvee on March 5. Performing styles ranging from jam band rock to pure bluegrass, Railroad Earth’s range of music melded together to create an upbeat and energetic atmosphere that readily engaged their devoted fanbase.
(03/12/20 5:00am)
ECB OR E-HALL OR SOME SHIT — Following the decision by the University of Wisconsin-Madison to cancel face-to-face instruction after spring break and until April 10th, the university’s STEM departments have collectively announced that they will still hold class in defiance of the university’s decision.
(03/06/20 12:07am)
On Saturday, March 7, Colorado based trio SunSquabi will be performing at The Sylvee in Madison with The Floozies and Late Night Radio. Described as Electronic Hydro Funk, SunSquabi offers a blend of tight melodies, liquid grooves and improvisation to create an addicting sound and an energetic live performance. Having shared the stage and the spotlight with bands such as Umpherey’s McGee, Lettuce and GRiZ, SunSquabi carries more than its weight as part of the world of Electronic Funk, while simultaneously being able to innovate and create new ideas that give the band a sound of its own.
(03/05/20 12:40am)
Following her lackluster Super Tuesday performance, multiple sources are accusing Elizabeth Warren of tanking her campaign in order to receive the first overall draft pick for the 2024 Presidential Campaign Season. Warren has denied the allegations.
(02/20/20 4:07pm)
On a cold Wisconsin Valentine’s Day, Pip the Pansy’s bright, upbeat and powerful performance offered a pleasant escape from the weather outside. On a stage dressed with flowers, her dark, heavy synth contrasted with light, punchy melodies and mystic flute solos to give her a strong electro-pop sound. Her music was at the same time both uplifting and easy listening, as well as personal, emotional and impactful.
(02/06/20 9:00pm)
The brilliantly funny Paul Virzi is set to perform a five-show run here in Madison, WI, and will be in town from Thursday, Feb. 6 to Saturday, Feb. 8. Virzi has worked with the likes of Pete Davidson, Bill Burr and Judd Apatow. He has released a critically acclaimed stand-up special, his comedy album reached #1 on iTunes, and he is preparing to shoot a second hour-long stand-up special this summer — a new hour of material which will also be performed at his comedy shows this weekend in Madison.
(02/06/20 6:00am)
I present you with a brief math problem: Candace sits outside in the grass on an August day with her friend Tony (he insists on being called Tonacious D but just fucking call him Tony). They both are drinking organic, fresh squeezed lemonade in a compostable cup. Candace got a large size, and her cup’s base has a 3 inch diameter, the lid has a 3.75 inch diameter and the cup’s height is 8 inches. Tony — for whom the nickname “The Tonado” is likewise unacceptable — does not have a lemonade because he is poor, I lied about the part where I said they were both drinking lemonade. He then turns to Candace and says, “it’s hot as balls out here.”
(02/06/20 3:23pm)
Nearly three years after Theresa May invoked Article 50, setting forth a long and dramatic Brexit saga, the UK finally exited the European Union as Big Ben struck 11:00 p.m. on Jan. 31, 2020. Though the road ahead ushers in an era of great uncertainty as there is still much to sort out in regard to the divorce, the EU is rejoicing with glee after its freedom from what has been a toxic and unhealthy relationship for quite some time now.
(01/30/20 6:00am)
Preston awoke from his daze. Feeling foggy, groggy and unmoored, he slowly began to collect himself. As he regained awareness, he couldn’t help but notice the lack of familiarity of his surroundings. Everywhere he looked was barren and the ground was coated is some form of soapy residue, the likes of which he had never seen. Whatever this strange place was, it was certain that Preston was very far from his home. Perhaps even as much as forty centimeters away.
(01/21/20 6:00am)
Spring semester is upon us! With the first week of classes quickly approaching, so too does that awkward first-day icebreaker. Instead of ignoring other people’s names while you scramble last-second to think of something interesting to say about yourself, feel free to use one of Almanac’s suggestions.
(01/21/20 6:00am)
The UW-Madison Office of Cybersecurity announced on Tuesday that 5,688 NetID accounts were successfully hacked on November 8th, 2019.