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(12/10/20 1:00pm)
In a bittersweet turn of events, the hot, popular girl you hated in high school has developed late onset acne which, contrary to all three of Newton’s laws of physics, somehow further accentuates her flawless jawline.
(12/10/20 1:00pm)
After his reign of terror at The Daily Cardinal’s Almanac desk, editor Jordan Simon announced that he will be leaving his position in order to begin the next chapter in his life. Simon has announced his plans to embark on an intergalactic space mission where he will search for extraterrestrial life that actually likes his writing. The launch date is not confirmed but will reportedly occur as soon as Simon finds a gas station that sells space diesel.
(12/10/20 7:00am)
In chess, a gambit is an opening sequence in which one side sacrifices material in hopes of gaining a positional advantage, the queen’s gambit being the most famous among them. Now, if you don’t know anything about chess, you should still watch the Netflix miniseries "The Queen’s Gambit" for a multitude of reasons — the fact that it has become a global sensation being just one. I bring up the concept of a gambit, however, because the story of Beth Harmon — the central character in "The Queen’s Gambit" — is just that, a gambit, and the series certainly offers no shortage of the thrill and suspense that one would expect to accompany a gambit — and if you don’t play chess just take my word for it that gambits peak the scale on the chess excitement-o-meter.
(11/19/20 1:00pm)
UWPD came under fire — again — after posting a photo which showed a “thin blue line” flag displayed in their office to their social media accounts over the weekend, a pro-law enforcement symbol that has frequently been used to denote opposition to the Black Lives Matter movement. UW Police Chief Kristen Roman released a statement about the photo saying — and this is a direct quote — that “while many people may interpret the ‘thin blue line’ imagery as racist, in this case it actually means something definitely not racist, like promoting weight loss among smurfs or some shit.”
(11/19/20 2:00pm)
Following Michigan’s excruciating loss to the Wisconsin Badgers over the weekend — and I mean, like, a really bad loss. Like, it was a super embarrassing loss. Like, are they the Michigan Wolverines or the Michigan Can’t Score-verines? — coach Jim Harbaugh has said he has his team closely reviewing the tape from their game against the Badgers.
(11/05/20 2:00pm)
If you’re in charge of planning the office Christmas party
(11/05/20 2:00pm)
Shortly after Joe Biden was projected to win the state of Wisconsin by several news outlets on Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign swiftly moved to their next plan of action in order to retain the presidency in 2020 and have thus begun training a liter of badgers to be faithless electors for Wisconsin.
(10/29/20 4:00pm)
You can’t. It’s cancelled.
(10/29/20 4:00pm)
As we embark on this spooky spooky time,
(10/22/20 7:00am)
This week, UWPD made public expense records that revealed the department spent thousands on various crowd control weapons, such as handguns and pepper spray canisters, amid racial justice protests this summer. Many condemned the department for using university funds on such weapons, however, UWPD says the criticism is unwarranted.
(10/22/20 4:00pm)
As campus gears up for the return of Badger Football on Saturday, Chancellor Becky Blank released a statement on the importance of campus inclusion — a message specifically aimed at students who wish to keep coronaviruses out of their tailgate parties.
(10/15/20 2:00pm)
In a classic 2020 what-the-fuck plot twist, the University of Wisconsin Police Department attacked ASM Chair Matthew Mitnick on Twitter with a strikingly large amount of confidence — especially for a department which faces a crisis of public confidence.
(10/15/20 2:00pm)
The Presidential Debate Commission has canceled the second debate, initially set to be held on Oct. 16, in order to curb the spread of the coronavirus after Trump yielded a positive test. A virtual debate was suggested to both the candidates, however, Trump declined because of some bullshit his team made up — I don’t even know.
(10/08/20 2:00pm)
Aides of Sen. Ron Johnson, R-Wis., are unsure how to approach their boss, who has vehemently opposed mask mandates with the information that a moon suit would do the same thing as a mask but be so much stupider. This crisis among the staff members comes after Sen. Johnson said he would vote to appoint Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court in person despite testing positive for COVID-19, saying “I’ll wear a moon suit if I have to.”
(10/08/20 2:00pm)
One week after their bold decision to vote “no confidence” in the UW-Madison Police Department, Associated Students of Madison have moved to voice their disapproval for another problematic institution at the university.
(10/01/20 2:00pm)
It wasn’t a debate. It was an infomercial for anger management. It was what happens when Tom Hanks and John Goodman haven’t eaten their Snickers. It’s what it’s like to watch Step Brothers with drunk goggles for your ears. It was nails on a chalkboard if you had cheated on the chalk board with the nails. It’s what you can expect if Walmart started selling ‘Divorced Parents in a Can.’ It was a punch in the stomach for America. And it drove area man Lloyd Bedfordsmanberg to the edge.
(10/01/20 2:00pm)
In an interview with campus newspapers on Tuesday, Chancellor Rebecca Blank stated that the removal of a historic statue of Abraham Lincoln on Bascom Hill was a “nonstarter,” shutting down demands made by various BIPOC organizations and individuals on campus who have claimed the statue serves to reinforce white supremacy.
(10/01/20 2:00pm)
UWPD officers arrested all members of ASM Wednesday morning to show how well they can do their job following the campus organization’s vote of No Confidence in UWPD on Tuesday night.
(09/24/20 2:00pm)
Associated Students of Madison has opened up an investigation into Becky Blank’s alleged collusion with the coronavirus, according to a statement from the ASM Press Office this morning. A special counsel will be appointed in the coming weeks and begin investigating the Chancellor.
(09/17/20 2:00pm)
In a semester that is now entirely online, several professors have chosen to implement new technology to ensure academic honesty. Many classes now require students to use certain programs which can detect if students open up a new window during online exams, or even video a student’s room to catch if notes are being used.